Christmas Time is Here!!!!

I regret to admit that i am a bit of a scrooge about Christmas; right up until about three weeks before the holiday. But right now? I love the christmas season!!! I'm enjoying the fact that i get to spend time with the people i care about, and to have family time. what i really need, though, is a good kick in the butt to start turning towards christ.

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(this is from a little while ago, and i was impressed that i had momentarily regained my power over words.)

A little demon lurks
within the dark spaces
of my vast thoughts and works.
In the dark she paces
waiting to devour
my vunerable mind;
overwhelming power
filled by darkness and grime.
Is there no cage,
in which i could trap her?
Is there no page,
On which i could slap her?
I long to be free
of this monstrous hate
but she invades all parts
of my dreams and plans,
and as i try
to tame the evil beast,
she pulls me down;
leaving me in defeat.
All alone i struggle
because when i look
for a helping hand
those i reach for
are already gone
thinking that they help
by lettting me fend away
the demons on my own.

Possible Ovary Names

okay, this is gonna be fun. :) my roommate rachel named her ovaries. and the more my cramps hurt the more i wish i had names for my ovaries just so i could be angry at something. so here are the names i've been finding:
Abundia-(latin) abundance
Florence-(latin) blooming, flowery
Garcia-(latin) she who demonstrates charm and grace(lol irony)
Eitri -(icelandic) venom
Ignacia-(latin) fiery, ardent
Lena - (latin) temptress
Messalina - (latin) she who has an insatiable appetite
i think i'm naming them garcia and messalina...

Watch the World Burn

I'm moving forward; thats a realization that i am okay with, right now. lol I'm moving past the past; burning bridges, so to speak. I've lost that once prized connection with the ones i felt closest to; and i let go of the silent, brooding girl i used to be. What i have now seems worthwhile; worth the sacrifice. When i took the trip back home, i saw that things werent going to stay the same for me to come home to, that things had to change there too. I have new close friends, new stories to tell, a new way of looking at things, and i'm good with that. Somehow, with everything new, i feel like i'm finding my old personality; the sparkle i thought i had long since lost. its a good feeling, and i'm happy. But i realize that i'm also a lot more alone. Like last night, when i got so sick because of food poisoning, i wanted so badly to have someone there to hold me and make me feel better; but i had no one. i refused to even tell my roommates that i wasnt okay. And i miss that. I miss having someone to kiss me when i'm sad, or who knows without question how i'm feeling by looking into my eyes. can all that time really have been a waste? a lie? what was the point of the investment?! (obviously i'm not totally resolved on this topic)

Foaming at the Mouth

I am seriously seething with emotions and thoughts. I feel angry, yet content. Happy, yet sad; rebellious, but patient. I feel like i'm full of so many unreasonable contradictions. I went back to colorado last week, seeking peace, or at least a break from reality, and during that trip, i realized i love my life the way it is. I like my job, i adore my roommates, i have good friends, and my heart is in the right place. I also realized that i'm seeking to hang on to the past. i wish for my man back, and for my friends not to change, for life back home to never change, but honestly? live should not be lived that way. i need to let go, in order to continue moving forward. lol but the irony of it all, is that the way i'm going with my life, was never something i planned on. i should be in new york, or planning my future with he-whose-name-i-can't-speak. i never dreamed i would be working and saving in utah, planning FHE lessons, and perfecting my cooking techniques. how did i get here?

Country Music

I have so many quirks, that really give you a peek into my real emotions. And i miss the one person who knew me well enough to see all the signs. Or, at least, I miss the guy i remember. Not the jerk he became. I miss having someone know when i was hurt by the kind of music i played, or how truly happy i was by the change of my eye color. No one else has ever bothered to get to know me, ME, so deeply. Not even my siblings, or parents, or best friends know me so well. And he just walked away. Why? Why did he walk away? What made him stop loving me? It doesnt really matter, i guess, because he's not coming back. But i do wonder if i'll ever find anyone who loves me that much ever again. Am i destined to be single forever? The country music is still playing. I can't bring myself to turn it off. Country music is what i play when i'm sad. Why does country music make me so sad?? these are all pretty rhetorical questions, because no one can answer them; not even me. On top of these flashbacks, i'm going stir-crazy. I gotta get out. I need to leave again; to travel; to start over again--everything new.

Realizations

The more I step back and look at my life, the more it seems I need to fix. Like, i'm selfish, and have a tendency to be self centered. And maybe, the fact that i'm actually noticing means that I'm on my way to correcting these problems, but no matter how hard i try, i still feel the way i do. Like, i have a tendency to push people away, because i'm afraid of them hurting me, or i have trouble accepting new people because i dont want them to be better than me. I dont want to be forgotten in their shadow. And that's really selfish. Its rude, and small minded, all the things i dislike in other people, and i'm finding them here in  my self. And i'm continually dissatisfied with my life. No matter how many blessings i've recieved, i always seem to want more I always find something to complain about. And thats not right either. I guess i just need to work on it.

A Whole New World

Life is still the same but yet so different. Its how i'm looking at it that makes it all new. i'm looking forward. And am moving forward, or attempting at the least. And i have some really incredible things going for me right now. I got employee of the month; proof that my work ethic is much improved, and am surrounding myself with good friends. in fact, i have a roommate, her name is Rachel, and it seems as though she and i are always hanging out together. I feel really close to her, like she'll be my new best friend. (lol that feels weird to say) She understands, and has experienced the kinds of crazy hectic things that i've gone through. And she is so much better than i am, so she's an example and a good influence. And i have a loving family, even if we are really distant. Sometimes the distance is physical, but others its mental, but at least i still have them. And i always have the Lord. and i know i sound preachy, and molly-mormon-esque, but i mean it. I learned that when all i had left was God. And i love Him. My heart is healing, and i'm moving past all the traumatic and upsetting things that i've had in my life. :) i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm gonna be okay.

You Melt My Heart To Stone

Am I truly so unloveable, that even my own sister, my own flesh and blood, cannot even embrace me without being repulsed? I know I'm not disgusting, or too hideous, but can no one find it in themselves to see me for the wonderful being that i just might be? I know i have a long ways to go before i become fantastic, or really before i even regain my usual charm, but i'm really feeling just how lonely and alone i am in this big world. Not a single guy has actually asked me on a single date in almost six months, nor have i seen family or had anyone hug me and tell me they love me in the same amount of time. and i dont just mean boyfriends. i mean, like, family, best friends, etc. and here i am, still completely by myself, not even able to express these fears of mine to a physical being. ranting online has literally become my only expression of emotions. Even my younger sister is getting dates!! (not saying that she shouldnt, but i was always more social than she is). I feel like i'm fading into the background. like i've lost everything special about me; everything that made me stand out as a person, and i'm becoming the support of all others. I mean, I love being there for everyone around me, and i'm quite good at it, but sometimes i miss the way i used to shine. *sigh* i just dont know whats wrong with me.

Teenage Pregnancy

i am still kind of in shock....there are so many girls that i went to school that are either pregnant or have kids right now. and yeah, i'm still just eighteen. thats young. and scary. what gets even scarier is that these girls arent even married, some of them dont even speak to the father anymore. what does that say about society today? it makes me wonder what life is going to be like for that child. will they know that people whispered unkind words behind their mother's backs? how many will see there mothers in a negative light because of their birth? that worries me. and i realize that i am so glad sor my own virtues. but i also dont want to shut out these poor girls, who are victims of their own choices, but i still want to be their friend, y'know?

What Wondrous Love is This?

"what wondrous love is this, that sends such peace unto my soul?" I find peace, love and patience, in my Heavenly Father's strength. Just sayin'. I've truly been at the end of my rope with people lately and am really straining not to lose my temper. So, what do i do instead? I get down on my knees and beg the Lord for some of His mercy and patience, because i sure dont have enough. And i find some, usually. When i don't feel the Lord's peace and comfort, i know its because i'm not being sincere enough. Y'know, i am really, super, uber grateful that I have the gospel in my life, and that i fully know the truthfulness of its teachings. Buti have so much more to learn, and so much further to go before i can say that i'm being the best person i can be. What was it Julie B. Beck said at the regional conference??... something along the lines of, "You are doing so much better than you think; but you could be doing so much more than you are." That really hit me. I'm definitely not doing enough to do the Lord's work; I'm a terrible example when it comes to patience, and love, and forgiveness, as well as reading my scriptures and such. Thats one thing i really am intending to do better on: reading my scriptures. I am so fortunate to have all the wonderful friends i have as examples around me; as well as the best example anyone could turn to: Christ's. Anyway, those are my thoughts and feelings for the day.

whispered words

the sickness sets in
as the words tell a story,
the one i dont want to hear.

eyes tell the truth,
and emotions get gory,
and i face the words.

words;
vomited from their mouths.
repetition of he said she said

and i bite back,
the scream of pain.
the hidden secret

the one that is covered
by smiles, well feigned,
of a long lost emotion.

lost;
amid the given effort,
buoying up another instead

but long left open,
the wound begins
to rot and fester

covered up,
so their needles and pins,
might never see.

words;
bringing back to the surface,
things i never wanted seen.

Getcha Game On

Alright, I'm officially finished wallowing. I wanna get out there, hit up some handsome men, and stop being voluntarily single. But there is a big problem: its been so long since i've been a flirt, or tried to catch a guy, that my "game" might really sink. lol. Yeah, thats a serious problem. If i utterly fail in the cuteness department, i will want to crawl back into my hole and stay single forever. Which is why Rachel (my roomie) and I have decided to be each others wingmen. but she just got out of an engagement too. also, she'd twenty thousand times more gorgeous than me. lol anyway, here goes nothing.

Black Hole

i've had lots of time to think and reflect the past few days, as i've been attempting to recover from a temporary illness, and i find myself so sad, and empty. I dont miss the people i thought i missed, nor am i craving someone to love me, but i still feel like... like there is something missing for me. renee and i had a discussion, what feels like a very long time ago, is that there IS something missing, that i have a tendency to try to bandage the big hole inside of me, by using people and pulling them closer to me, but it is insufficient. but what i want to know is why. why is it there? what caused me to be this way? and why am i suddenly incapable of reaching out to others to become emotionally close...like i'm just letting the space get bigger. i find myself reaching for the lord for peace, and i find it, but the hole is still there. like i am an incomplete person. the question is : who is the other part of me?? who am i? why am i in pieces...

Dating

Why does this subject come up so frequently?? is it because we are all young adults, and generally we dont like to be alone? is it because media, and leaders, and family all insist that this is our timing to get married; to settle down; to fall in love?? because, i've decided that i'm not sure i wanna jump into the dating pool, just yet. i'm not hung up over someone (even though there are nights that i miss people) nor am i anti-dating. i just dont feel prepared to let someone into my life seriously. but i'm also a fairly serious person and couldnt handle being left right now; i really might fall apart completely. is that wrong of me?? or maybe just weird?? i feel like i'm the only girl out here right now who isnt ready for love, and its a strange feeling. like, we were even discussing dating at work, and the boys were like, "what about you, sarah? do YOU have a special someone?" and tony and brandon at the same time as me go "no" but my sentence ended whereas they continued and said "she has two!!! or more..." which made me laugh, but honestly. i get that a lot. do people really think that i'm such a player? or do they not realize that the only people i seem to attract are creepers anyway, so even if i were ready to date(which i'm not) there wouldnt BE anyone i wanted to. let alone two of them....

Chronic Mentality

so...i made friends with this kid....he's pretty much awesome. but number one, like, half of my chica friends have a crush on him, and i find that kind of obnoxious. but the point to this story, is that for some odd reason, i see myself in him. like, he and i are the same. i see all the pain that i've been suppressing in his face, when he thinks no one is looking, and to tell the truth, i think his story is a lot like mine, based off the bits and pieces i've gathered. so, therefore, i feel like i'm watching my heart break over and over again, and i find my mind running back to will, and all the good times we had. if i hadnt left for florida, i dont think he would have left me. and maybe i'd be living in pueblo, co waiting for my marine to take leave and come see me. and maybe i'd have an actual ring on my hand. its kinda hard to take in. but on the other hand, i'm grateful for where i am in life right now. i feel like i'm on the right track for my life, and i'm where i need to be. but its still hard to wake up and realize there is no one out there waiting for me, no one who i can cry to when i hurt, or to receive assurances from when i feel unloved.

Ashamed

I hate to admit it, but i'm afraid that at times i can be a very judgmental person, and it makes me extremely ashamed of my actions. i chose to be grumpy and irritated with my new apartment, looking for reasons to dislike it, but i am realizing thats a very dumb way of thinking. here i've been spending my entire life fighting to see the good side, to forgive easier, and once i'm in a truly good place, i choose to look at everything negatively. the more time i spend with my new roomies, the more i like them. they are all so sweet, and kind, and awesome. did you know they have a quote board?! i'm completely sure that i can get along with them quite well, i just have to stop being such a negative nancy. anyway, this is my realization and confession for the day.

Stepping Forward

i've really been in a funk, these last few days. you know how it goes, the whole depressed, wanna cry, dig a hole and live in it, kind of thing. its because of drama, mostly, girl friends hitting on guy friends, making me feel totally uncomfortable, and the fact that i seriously dislike estrogen fests....i'm afraid i get along with guys way better than some girls. (leah, i dont mean you. because i know you read this) i honestly cannot wait to be in my own apartment, mostly because i desperately need space. but i am also desperately afraid that once i'm out, i wont get invited to all the fun, cool, crazy stuff that our group does. but believe me, there's more on my mind than this local drama. i dont know what triggered it, but my mind keeps running back to the ex. yeah, yuck. also, today is his 21st birthday, so i can only imagine all the stupid things he'd probably doing. i keep thinking about the fact that because of him, i cant put myself out there anymore. i'm so afraid of feeling lost, and hurt again. or that i will return to naivety and turn a blind eye to all the wrong going on. i try so hard to lack emotion and feelings, so that i can view things logically, my heart keeps jumping in and interfering. and i find myself thinking about potentials, and i hate it. it isnt my scene, and i'm not the kind of girl to be...well, boy crazy. and i'm finding myself with a list of people i find...intriguing. i guess i just dont know what to do. so, here's what i came up with for today: i find it fitting, seeing as its his birthday, i am letting go, completely. i keep looking back at my past, and thereby am tainting how i view my future. its unhealthy, really. so, today i'm saying goodbye, to the first person i ever loved, for good. at least, the memory of him. lol

My Crazy, Hectic, Wonderful Life

Well, I have to admit, for Mormon college students, the apartment i'm staying is most definitely a party apartment....and i love it. I'm wondering if I'll still be included in everything once I move into my new apartment this thursday, and it makes me feel a little bit sad. but anyway, i should probably catch you up on all our crazy antics, since i currently am having issues with my sleep....

So, to begin with, the entire last week, I am quite sure no one got to sleep until at least one in the morning every night, right up until friday. On Friday, we, as in Leah Hall, Rachel Hall, Sadie Fielding, and I, all went to go help Sadie unpack into her new apartment. Then, around 8ish, we went to this absolutely delicious Chinese place for dinner, called Saigon Noodles(where you can totally get a large amount of food for only five dollars--talk about a college students dream!), then headed back to Leah's apartment to chill until 11.30, when we left to go work out in the gym at Sadie's new place. Around 1.30 Josh and Ben (two of our guy friends from Elms Apartments) showed up and we made a random, hour-long trip to Walmart for toilet paper. yes, this took an entire hour. Then we decided to go to the 24 hour Ihop, and we were there for two more hours. (i had some seriously delish crepes) Ben totally knocked water all over me, on accident. (it was utterly hilarious and sorta woke me up) Leah and Josh were in deep conversation and it took awhile before i could convince everyone to leave, because i was gonna fall asleep right there at the table. So, we got back to Sadie's apartment around 4.30ish, and finally got to sleep. After that, Sadie woke me up at noon, because she thought it was one, and i had to be back by 4, because i agreed to take another girl's shift at work at 5. Then I closed at work that night, meaning that i didnt even get off until one in the morning. So, if you hadnt guessed already...i was so tired!! and i decided to shower before bed because there were gonna be six other girls trying to get ready in the morning. so, i didnt get actual sleep until around 2. then there was church in the morning, and another late night hanging out with the Elms boys, and here i am, unable to sleep, waiting for a more decent time to get ready for work, which is gonna be at 10. welcome to my world...haha.

the Present is a Gift

The brilliance faded
As time flew by.
Words stopped flowing
From my mind to the pen
blank spaces are all i see
That seems to be
The sole path left to me.
I long to recreate
The visions i could see
But now? the sights?
....so lost to me.
I want to fill your head
With all the incredible things
That i used to know.
But now they are gone,
Melted like the snow.
Did the artery of art
Quit flowing through me?
Or just block itself off
To the soul inside this body?
Can i slice it back open
To let the thoughts run free?
Where would i send them?
Perhaps that is why
They have disappeared.
I had no use of dreams
For mine had momentarily
All come true.
So now they are gone.
And all i have left
Is the sounds
Of someone else's songs.

Sing Me a Good Old Gospel Song

I find it incredible and awe-inspiring that music so easily touches my soul. I have my most spiritual moments because of the lyrics of a song, or the chords on a piano. It makes my own heart sing. Like today in church, i was extremely sleepy until the musical number. which woke me up, and i felt filled with light and hope, and i had chills running down my spine. Its exhilarating and frightening. If something sweet and good can be carried through music, something dark and creepy is just easily influencing. It makes me think very seriously about the things i allow to play in my ears. but i also use good music to set my mood and emotions, and play the lyrics in my head to combat the bad. lol i sound so silly, but thats honestly how i feel.

Because i am the only-est one

Its so strange, how i function. I love to be around people, but i find myself pushing to be alone. i prefer to chill in my room, instead of chill out in the living room with all the other girls. and at work, when everyone is mashed together trying to maneuver around one another, i cant jump in there with everyone, i have to go around or wait it out. maybe, i'm secretly an introvert. but the odd part is, i like hearing other people near by, so i can join them if i so choose. or maybe its just a recurrence from all the months i spent completely on my own, barely speaking to people. lol but i'm not socially awkward. (at least, i dont think i am). But i am so grateful for all the wonderful people surrounding me, like the sweet girls who are letting me stay at their apartment until i can move into my new one, or the ones that wouldnt take no for an answer when i was moving and they wanted to help. and then i have all my sweet friends who still keep in touch, and remind me of why i love them to death, and who listen when i'm all frazzled.

And So it Goes

The inevitable has occurred. Those of you that have known me a long time, you should know that this means boy trouble. It follows me everywhere. The sad part is, that i was sure that i had it beat this time around. Apparently not. This inevitable issue stems from the fact that i'm generally the only girl when i work. Sometimes Jody is my supervisor, but in general, i work with a kitchen full of male cooks and drivers. Some of whom, are extremely good looking. Or they're just my kind of dude. And i am an unintentional flirt. Because, i don't see what i do, as necessarily flirting. because when i try to flirt...well its pretty much intense. Anyway, so here's the story of the week: i work with all guys. I think three of these guys are cute. One has just been made into my new supervisor, one i am always chatting with, and the other has a girlfriend. So, i guess to everyone at work, its pretty apparent that i'm into the second guy. So, anyway, Saturday night, i was working with my cute supervisor and just a bunch of the guys. Shouldn't have been weird at all. But it was, because Zach, one of the drivers, came up to me and was all like, "So, Sarah, other than me (cuz i'm the cutest guy here), which of the drivers to you think are cute?" He said this laughing. So i laughed too, and said, "Did you really just ask me that question?"
Zach: "Jeff is a little cutie, huh?" (jeff is guy number 2)
Me: (laughing/blushing) "yeah, he is a little cutie"
Zach: (jaw dropped, and really loudly yelled) "you think jeff has a cute bootie?!?! SARAH!!!!"
Supervisor was standing right there, and maybe it was just me, but he looked a little uncomfortable. at this point i was bright red and was like, "no!! thats sooo not what i said! i'm not really a butt person.." awkward!!! Everyone that was working that night most definitely heard that conversation. also, my supervisor seemed a little less cheerful after that. which is unfortunate, bc he is a really fun guy. And Zach said that he and jody talked about me and jeff, and think that we would make a cute couple.
Also, it feels like a repeat of an occurrence when i worked at sonic, concerning Cody, Derek, and Maria. Maria being the one asking questions, Cody being the subject, and Derek being the cute standby.
Why do i always get myself into these situations??

This Time, Baby, I'll be Bulletproof

I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying lately....and i'm sorry to say its because i'm having ridiculously high levels of stress. Dont get me wrong, I pray when life is good too, but i feel like my prayers are more desperate pleas lately. And mostly, it works. But i feel like all the people i put my trust in are letting me down. They get my hopes up, and then let me fall back. But i just wanted to say that i'm really grateful for the ones that ARE always there for me. My dad being the main one of them. Even when he is going through tough times, he's still willing to listen to me cry and complain about "how hard life is" (yes, i do say those kinds of things, occasionally) And the more i study and pray, the more i realize that God does the same thing for me, on a much wider level. and it makes me glad to call Him my Heavenly Father. anyway, just thought i would share that little glimmer of hope that keeps me buoyed up.

Just One of Those Days

do you ever have one of those days that, for no explicable reason, its just fantastic. I am having one of those. I work today, i got paid this week, i got to go to the temple(even though i got a crazy bloody nose in the middle of doing temple work and had to leave), my older sister, Laura, whom i love dearly, had her baby this week as well. But, see, none of that good stuff happened today. I just woke up in a ridiculously good mood. Hopefully i can keep it that way. Oh, btw, the baby's name is Derrik Clayton Calkins, he was born on July 28, 2010, at 4.00am Florida time, and was 7lbs 14oz. a big, cute baby. Hopefully, i can purchase a plane ticket, take some time off work and fly down there to see my sis and her family. They've really welcomed me into their family and helped me get onto my own two feet, metaphorically speaking. Jay and Laura are my favorite siblings, to be completely and utterly honest. And they also have another son named Jacob Martin(he's two) and he and i...well we're best friends. (ask him; he agrees). Aside from his parents and grandparents names: mama, daddy, papa, and gigi,  he learned my name first. it was so cute the first he was like "Sawah, sawah!! Up."

Sammitches

I LOVE SAMMITCHES. yes, i am mispronouncing sandwiches. yes, i love them. but only if they are fresh and on delicious bread. also, i love burgers. unfortunately, i eat way more sammiches than i do burgers.other things i love: photography, the scriptures, my friends, mi familia (but i don't always like them), my job, life, fluffy animals, babies. lol its getting to be a long list. and trust me, there is more that i didn't add on there.

all by my lonesome

lol i don't even have any followers on my blog! its rather sad, if you ask me. my closest friends live in different states, my family never visits or bothers to call, and my job is taking over my social life. lol oh well. so, guess what my oh so sweet older sister by the name of Jennifer Michelle did to me this week? she went back to Colorado. without me. ON PURPOSE. i asked her. she planned it so that i wouldnt be able to come. also, she says that i am stealing er life. (whatever that means) and she thinks its a miracle that i got such a good job. mean!! I mean, its not like i didnt have things left to do in colorado, right? like, i dont know--- figuring out the deal-io between me and cole, seeing my daddy, driving, seeing daphne... grr. i have more ties left there than she did!!!

Besties Foreva!! :p

i have a confession. or a statement really. I LOVE MY BEST FRIENDS!!!! This is a quiet shout out to Daphne Marie Munafo, Cole Joseph Boschetto, Terryn Brittany Mills, and Amanda (whose middle name i frequently forget) Short. These four lovelies get me through everything. The good times and bad ones. Even though we are all very far away, leaving for college, and moving on with our lives, i hope we continue to stay in touch. Because it isn't everyday that i find myself surrounded by such copacetic people.

It Just Keeps Getting Better

Life feels good today. I know that lately, I've been grumpy, lonely, and altogether making myself miserable, but today...its gone. My problems haven't just magically disappeared or anything, i just feel better about them. Work was busy and chaotic, especially since i got there at 9.30, and my supervisor hadn't shown up yet, so it was me and an overall manager who has fifty million other things to do than help me do a job I'm extremely capable of, but there were at least ten pre-orders, thirty extra large pizzas to be made, and on top of that all the EFY orders to be pre-made. But somehow, my manager f\got there just in time for the real chaos to start and i did all the prep stuff we needed and i got sent home and hour and a half early. again. it was nice tho. my mind was occupied, i felt like i actually accomplished something, now I'm baking a cake for Leah (its her 21st birthday today) and later I'm going country dancing with Haley Giblette. I still miss Laura, Jake, Cole and my dad, but i'm okay. life is pretty dang good for me. I feel bad that i have such a hard time recognizing just how incredibly lucky i am.

Frustration

Its like a big old pot of angst that is already simmering and someone keeps turning up the heat, so it starts to boil and fester. That is my description of frustration. Would you like to hear the source of my current frustration? Probably not, but i need to get it out of my system. I need money, so i can live. I have to work so i can have money. i have to use time and effort in order to work. Life is made up of time and effort. But life is not worth living if you spend all your time working and alone. Its a vicious circle, which i normally dont mind, because i always manage to fit my friends, scriptures and journal into my spare time. but as of late, my best friend is no longer coming to visit me, which is fine, but i just feel like i might never see him again. and now, my sister is going home for almost a week, and i cant come because i have so much work, and i'm covering for other people. So, i dont get to see my dad or my friends. Also, she told me she made sure i couldnt come because she didnt want me around. Harsh.

The World Continues Turning

i feel so very....alone. obviously, i have people surrounding me, but when it comes to my secrets and my past, i have no one to talk to. i couldnt possibly let anyone know all the stupid things i used to do, but without someone who knows that side of me, i am utterly by myself, except God. But i feel at times that i'm stuck, unmoving in the midst of a busy, ever spinning world, and i alone am still. Its dizzying. lol

He Hears Me

I have spent way too much time in the past few months crying. I cried for me, though. For years and years i couldnt cry unless it was for someone else in pain, and i was silent. I never shared my own thoughts and emotions, locking them up tight. but now? ever since i have pushed myself, moved out on my own, and turned my life around and started giving my heart back to God, i cry. I cry for my own pain, my losses, my transgressions, my shortcomings and the wrongs i have felt. And for a long time, i felt like no one cared, no one knew. And i still feel that no one here on earth would stretch out their hands to comfort me. But ever since i started trying to become closer to the Lord, i dont feel so alone. And today, i ran across a song called "He Hears Me." its an old EFY song, but the lyrics basically go, "he hears me, when i'm crying in the night, he hears me when my soul longs to fight, til the morning will come, and the light of the dawn reassures." And it felt so fitting. He hears me. He knows my every pain, my every downfall, and He loves me. At times when i need someone to just put their arms around me and tell me i'll  be alright, and with no one around, i feel warm and safe, like someone wrapped me in a big soft blanket and the Spirit whispers that i'm going to be okay. Lol, i'm having issues seeing the screen as i write this, bc i'm crying again. this time because i've never felt so grateful for someone i couldnt see.

Glee-ful

i have a confession.....i love glee. yes, the tv show. yes, its cheesy. but i love the music! i was in choir and theater and always want to have a show choir. it would have been epic. also, i love to look up the originals of the songs they sing. Currently, i'm hooked on Aretha Franklin's "Say a little prayer for you". its so good, and catchy! i love music, fyi. From all eras and genres... except folk music and bluegrass. i dont know why but those really grate on me. its obnoxious.

History Repeats Itself

I think its safe to say that i am totally not over him. Him as in the only guy i actually loved. And there goes the attempt to avoid being cliche. Look, i know i sound like a love struck little girl, because I'm only eighteen and i met him while in high school, but you gotta understand, i despised those kind of girls. Y'know, the ones that date the guy for a month and tell everyone, "oh, we're in love." not so in my case. William Alan Shue is his name. Will and I met in high school, like i said before, it was my freshman year and he was a senior. and honestly, for that entire year, we were "just friends"...who flirted and were jealous of each others dates. And then my sophomore year, i ran into him at walmart, and the feelings were still there so we exchanged numbers and got together i guess. And we've been on and off ever since. Mostly because we're so different and yet so alike. We argued a lot and would get frustrated and refuse to talk for months. But it took me two years before i could honestly say i loved him. He, on the other hand, practically worshiped me, always talking about getting married, having kids. He told me once he already thought of me as his wife. (it freaked me out.) But finally, about a year ago now, he actually proposed, and i said yes. Six months later, we had a nasty break up where he dumped me for another girl, who i think he might have been cheating on me with. But i dont know for sure. Anyway, what brought this up is, y'know those myspace truth boxes? well, he and i used to say things in those boxes where you just knew it was the other person, bc we knew each other that well. so, he and i havent talked for the past six months, but he posted something in my box. it was along the lines of "God damn it, girl, you are so hot." yeah, not exactly comforting. but it also means that he's been thinking about me. and it hurts, because i want him back so badly, but how can i take him back? i have spent months crying myself to sleep whenever i'm alone and i was finally starting to stop crying. and then he does this. My heart is aching.. :(

Deep Dark Secrets

Okay, so they arent all that deep or dark, but there are things i wouldnt just tell people. Like today was a physical example. I spent all day cooking and cleaning. I LOVE to cook. No one really knows that. I like baking treats for other people and gourmet foods for myself. And the truth is, i'm pretty dang good at it. i dont like to just cook a box of macaroni and cheese, i have to add my own twist. And the only thing stopping me from sauteeing and broiling all the most delicious foods, is my own budget. i live on my own, so i have to pay rent, buy groceries, and still manage to afford my neccessities. so i cant exactly buy fresh wheat or endless fresh veggies to cook to my own taste. i can barely afford chicken nuggets. *groan* thats what i miss the most. red meat, and fresh poultry. seafood isnt a problem since i actually dont like it. And the truth is, i dont like to cook for myself that much. its neccessary, bc i'm picky, but i wish there were someone who i could cook for, to dance with to my music in the kitchen. I used to have someone like that. He had proposed and everything. Strange, isn't it, how the world falls apart? I changed my dreams from successful beautiful business woman, to a strong minded wife and mother, and now i'm on my own. I have no clue what i want anymore. Well, i know what i want: a family, but that doesnt seem like a possiblity for a very long time. and so thats why i want to teach. because then i can benefit the children of my community and still have the successful businesswoman aspect.

Sounds Like Life to Me.

These past few days i have felt so worn out, and frustrated as well. Mostly frustrated because i'm exhausted, to be utterly honest. I had a lot of blood loss a few days ago (due to a collossal bloody nose--two days!!!) and have been sleeping and eating a ridiculous amount of food, but with no energy to do anything active i feel like i'm getting fat and lazy. but mentally, i'm in a totally awesome place. i have the absolute best best friend in the entire world. :) his name is cole boschetto. people always give me funny looks when i say "he"...which reminds me, why is it so strange for a girl and a guy to just be friends?? it doesnt have to be sexual, or attached. cole and i do really well as just friends. i mean, we have our *cough cough* awkward sexual tension moments when there are just sparks, but we never act on him. anyway, back to my point. Cole is the best, because, whenever i need someone to cheer me up, he magically knows. like i texted him one word "hey" when i was feeling kinda lonely and he calls me, has a long conversation and just generally makes me feel better. and i trust him, completely. its a strange feeling for me, given my personal history. if i remember, i'll probably write a blog to catch you up to speed on my past. but so thats it. i'm tired, frustrated, but excited because i'm typing this blog on my brand spanking new laptop, given to me as a gift from my biological mom, christie. good night!!

The Beginning

I'm not much of a blogger, I'll confess. I find it awkward and altogether kind of public to write my emotions and share them on the internet. But i have opinions and thoughts that are never heard, so i'm giving in and creating one. How silly is that? Anyway, this can serve as the basic rundown of me. My name is Sarah Damaris (dah-mah-ree)(its french) and I'm not going to post my last name. I am eighteen years old, and live on my own but currently share an apartment with my older sister. She is twenty, and usually a pain in the neck. I love to learn things, as long as it doesn't involve math, and i love to help others. its weird, i know. That is why i want to teach. But life for me isn't exactly a picnic, y'know? But that is true in most cases. And, in truth, my life could have been a lot worse up to this point. But it hasn't been. I have a loving father, caring siblings(some of them), and a strong sense of self. Not many people can say that. I feel I should also mention that I'm LDS aka Mormon. This belief really plays into my actions and thoughts, but believe me when i say i haven't always felt that way. So anyway, in short, i try to say what i really think, and sometimes it can cause offense, but i'm mostly just myself.