Wide Open Spaces

I feel like I'm dying, trapped here in my float-y bubble otherwise known as Provo. I need the big, open fields like the ones i grew up in; room to run when when i want to run; trees to climb, places to just sit and admire the beauty of this world. But instead, i look at these dreary buildings, all crammed together, and i know the open space is just far enough that i couldn't go on my own. I'm even sick of being next to the mountains. And I love mountains. But i just need open space. Prairie. I haven't picked up my camera since i moved here; because nothing moves me to beauty. The people here are truly amazing, however naive they may be, they are genuine, and seek to follow God. For the most part anyway. But i think if i hear another girl talk about how she wants to find a husband, or talk wedding ceremonies, i might just scream. I need deeper intellect and can"t stand all this waiting to start school. And partially its my own fault. And i know it. but my resources are limited and as my work hours are cut, there just aren't enough things to fill my time. I get stir-crazy, and i'm feeling the need to roam. I need a car, I think. So i can just drive. Just get the heck outta here. I dont feel like taking anyone with me. Don't get me wrong, there are so many friends here that i love and adore, and they are so willing to help with whatever i ask, but i feel like i need my space. so thats what this all boils down to: I need my wide open spaces. I need the open prairie where i can see for miles, where snow falls down unabashedly, and the sky is so blue and beautiful it makes me wanna cry.

Odd Predicaments

Boys can be extremely confusing; or so I am learning. I thought I already learned my lessons in this category but apparently nothing I've already suffered through with suffice. So you men out there reading this (not that there really are any that i know of) why are you so confusing? Why must I break the hearts of the ones that aren't for me, but have my own torn to shreds by the ones I adore? Why do I always make friends with girls who are much more beautiful than I am? I wonder if I actually get off on the jealousy. I stick around people for their benefit, not because I dont want to do things myself. I've had places to go and people to see for a while, but I opt to staying around the people who seem like they need me the most at the moment or around the people i want to get to know better. And I feel like people dont see me as a single identity; which I am, and I have. Its hard to be alone, I admit, I dont like feeling lonely, but I'm being driven to the point that I feel as though I might have to push everyone else away just to prove how strong I really am. But I don't want that to be the option. But essentially; right now; I'm frustrated. Maybe I'm  just being hormonal and need to take a step back and look at everything, but I feel like I'm getting mixed signals. Or there are definite moments where I feel totally awkward, because I feel like something else should be happening, but it isn't. Gahhh!!

One More Sleepless Night

Just add it to the list, I guess. Things have been crazy lately! So many adventurous things have happened to me. I'm not sure what to think at this point, and I'm nervous but excited to see how everything plays out. I have a good feeling about most of the things that are happening to me, but it still feels like i'm being bombarded all at once, so I'm still in the shock zone. Literally; eyes wide open, jaw agape, saying, "Whhhooooaaaaaaa..." So I just keep breathing and taking everything in, awestruck, and i'll let you all know when everything puts itself together in my life. but for now, I'm sleepless, no appetite, and kind of drifting in my dream state. Heck, i've been barely playing my music (i hear your gasps, people.). But we'll see. :)

Just a Heads Up

I started a second blog, for the record keeping of all my house-keeping related adventures. Its gonna be either really nerdy or absolutely hilarious, so you should follow it. http://sarahliciousapplegate.blogspot.com/. Its gonna be great, i promise. :)

And the World Spins Madly On

I took a week long trip back home and i guess i haven't really adjusted back to Provo life yet. I still miss my family (lots!) and i keep waking up with the sun but i'm staying up way too late because this is a college town after all and there is too many things for me to do at night. But as of the fact last weekend was the fourth of July weekend, i've been out and about enjoying summer and being very social. Work is harder now that the weather is heating up and there are too many other places i'd rather be. But i am where i need to be right now. I'm still worried about Grandpa, especially since i last called him on the phone. He says not to worry, but for me that's like telling water not to be wet. I can't help it. But the sunshine is beautiful, i love reading the new Kindle mom and dad got me for my birthday, and life is full of good people. :) Anyway, thats just my latest update. This is life and it just keeps going. :)

Power of Prayer.

Guys, i think you should be informed that Grandpa Larry's cancer is back. Keep him in your prayers. I am so scared. I love grandpa to pieces and he's always been a big influence in my life; so full of love and good memories. I want him around when i get all grown up, and do the grown up things like getting married, graduate college. we're too young to lose him too. And i know i'm gonna be praying about some other big things here coming up in my life. I'm trying to be brave through all the stress and pain, but all i want to do right now is break down and cry.

thinking aloud

so, i've moved apartments. and my new roommates are great to live with! they're always so sweet and neat and fun, but i dont feel the connection i did before. maybe its just me closing myself off again. but they're all in there talking about boys and their complications, and all i can think is: i can't relate. i'm not even trying here. my heart isn't ready, and in provo you dont get a lot of nic-mo's. or at least i don't. apparently i dont seem like the type. (lol i'm a type?!) but i'm young and i've got a lot of life left to live. i need to reach out and try to connect with people. i dont know why but i feel like that part of my brain is shut down right now. or has been for kind of a while. i have a hard time with small talk too. i am so sick of "where you from?" "what's your major" "what color is your toothbrush?". why can't anyone just be like, "you're cute. take me on a date." end of story. or "hi. my name is so-and-so. how's life?" fantastic is the boring ever present answer to that, btw. ahhh! provo, quit being a bubble and let me have a breath of fresh air, some normal people. please!!

................

there is so much i wanted to say, but i find myself unable to say what it is i am truly thinking.

Lizzy Maguire

Almost everyone born in the early 90's knows this show. Y'know, its the Disney Channel Original with Hilary Duff as a quirky pre-teen girl. And she has this little manifestation of herself that lives in her head and portrays her true thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, i feel like i have a Sarah-version of that and there are so many thoughts and actions i wish i would act on but my own inhibitions and formalities make me stop and say something polite or do the most public-approved thing. And i wish i wouldn't. I wish i could just SAY what i really think when people ask me a question. i wish i could be the confident, funny person that deep down is still inside me. Or when i feel like curling up and just crying, breaking down, just DO it. But i can't. Because, somewhere, hardwired into my brain, is the notion that i have to be the strongest, the smartest, and the wisest that i can be. So i dont act impulsively. I dont do anything that anyone would see as a fault, or a crack in my armor of steel.

Braaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnsssss......

Yes, i really did just say brains. Because I have come to the conclusion that brains are absolutely fascinating, therefore, i love them. I want to study them, and i have almost no doubts about it. Woohoo!! Talk about making life decisions. The only question now, is whether or not i want to research them, or put my knowledge to practical use and help people. When i took the really random trip to Idaho, i was going with my roommate, Rachel, to her grandparents' home, seeking a much-needed vacation from our crazy lives. And believe me, i needed it. My story, however, concerns what i did on vacation. Which was to, well, study/analyze brains. Really. Through neuro-feedback based on EEG signals emitted from the patient (rachel. haha)'s brain. And rachel's grandma was a psychologist and actually had a clinic in her home at one point, so she showed me how it works and explained the different brain waves (delta, theta, beta and high-beta) and how they affect our daily functions, either with behavior, memory-reticence, or just day-to-day life. And i have to admit, I was so excited!!! It just awes me how incredible our brains are. and i have a hard time not talking about them. so, obviously, this is what i should do with my life, right? Anyway, just thought i ought to share the funny, happy news.

Enough Is Enough.

Okay, family, here's the deal. I'm posting this blog specifically for you all. I want to make this perfectly clear: Enough! I love you all, and i know there have been a lot of misunderstandings, but did any of you consider how much this fighting is making me feel worse? That because of words i wrote and expressed in a time of panic and distress over my own life, seeking help from my family, and suddenly an argument erupts over words said to comfort me. It makes me feel bad, so yes, i deleted the post, and i want everyone to stop hurting each others feelings. i love you all, but right now? i'm not feeling the love. and that makes me even more afraid.

Awkward Turtle

...........Awkward.....thats how i'm feeling most of the time, in my own apartment. i switched rooms (by invitation, just to clarify) so that i could have a little more living space, and it seems now like my new roomie so does not want me in here. She cant sleep at night while i'm in here, she naps out on the couch, can't clean if i'm around and i'm starting to feel really uncomfortable. I didn't want to push her out at all! i try to give her all the space she needs but today....today i just want to hide out all day. and apparently that ruined her plans. :( i can barely go anywhere in my apartment, considering the lovebirds are usually making out in the kitchen/front room area, steph chills in our room, and rachel has the private room. oh, and cristina really wanted the old room to herself. so i'm thinking of moving out, again. but idk where i would go, and i DID just resign for the next semester in this apartment.

Angst

Have you ever watched those silly videos on YouTube called Potter Puppet Pals? I kinda feel like Harry in the Wizard Angst one. He's standing there, bashing his head against the way saying "angst, angst, angst..." and i kinda feel like that right about now. On the plus side, this means i'm feeling deeper emotions again. On the down side...i'm feeling really crappy emotions. Ones that are confusing, and terrifying, and altogether really stressful. And honestly? I wish there were a tactful way to just discuss the issues with the people i'm feeling these emotions because of. College? Pssh, i got that handled as well as i can right now. My job? Its going. All i have left to do is wait. But the people in my life? I can't exactly move them around (metaphorically) to arrange them in my life just how i would like them. They have to want it too. And i wanna just SAY something. But i want them to just say anything! Because i have no idea, no clue, no droplet of inclination as to what others think. But everyone says, "wait. let them say something first." What if i lose my chance? What if it's already out of reach? I don't know if I'm willing to put myself on the line all over again, after everything i've been through. I don't know if i could take that kind of emotional shattering all over again. But its those moments of cheer, of twitterpated anticipation that make everything worthwhile. And i couldn't live the rest of my life without little tastes of that kind of ecstasy. Because, i can't keep going on feeling nothing.

Touch the Sky

Alright, so, i'm moving up in the world. I think. I'm hopefully starting college within a week. (keep your fingers crossed that i get accepted). I've decided what to major in: Business. lol Who'd have thought, hmm? excessively creative little Sarah using her brilliance to manipulate math figures. Haha. So i was really reluctant to tell everyone, for fear o jinxing it, but there isn't much left for me to do but wait, and hope. Next on my list? getting a freaking car. I need to drive; i can't be dependent on anyone else anymore. So, i suppose this, in a way, is another beginning for me. I mean, i'm still a lot further along with my life than i was over a year ago, but i still have so much further left to go. can i just note that even my parents are a little shocked that i'm doing so well on my own? its a little bit funny. I also wanted to do a mini-shout out to some people who really helped push me in the right direction: Laura and Jay Calkins. If you're reading this, Laura, thanks for just listening and treating me like the capable human being i am (even though at the time i so wasn't) also, i miss you! And Mom, because i know you read this sometimes, thanks for helping with my fafsa stuff today. I know you hate finances and i kinda put you on the spot. Haha i'm having a little thank-timony right here. anyway, i'm feeling pretty good right now. Keep your fingers crossed, luvs!!

Listen to Your Heart

yeah, sorry, that's the song stuck in my head. (haha music version of product placement) But hey, another year of my life just passed by, and believe me, that one was booking it. So much has changed, but most especially, I myself have done a lot of changing. Lol and i mean more than just regaining my sanity. I found out more about myself as a person, and the things that i truly love, and i'm learning what i want to achieve in my life. wanna hear my big dream?? its a little bit ridiculous, but here it goes: I want to travel the world, learn how to make all kinds of cultural cuisine and then come back here to America and start my own restaurant, and i think i wanna name it Small World. Or something more clever. lol. Thats gonna take quite a bit of time and money. But its what i really truly want. And shh, dont say anything, but i'm applying to colleges and hopefully this month will be starting accelerated classes to get a business degree. I'm working out the financial aid stuff this week. I dont want to tell a whole bunch of people just in case it all falls through, and i end up looking even more lame than i already am. anyway, i guess i've just got a lot of ambition going on right now.