Enough Is Enough.

Okay, family, here's the deal. I'm posting this blog specifically for you all. I want to make this perfectly clear: Enough! I love you all, and i know there have been a lot of misunderstandings, but did any of you consider how much this fighting is making me feel worse? That because of words i wrote and expressed in a time of panic and distress over my own life, seeking help from my family, and suddenly an argument erupts over words said to comfort me. It makes me feel bad, so yes, i deleted the post, and i want everyone to stop hurting each others feelings. i love you all, but right now? i'm not feeling the love. and that makes me even more afraid.

Awkward Turtle

...........Awkward.....thats how i'm feeling most of the time, in my own apartment. i switched rooms (by invitation, just to clarify) so that i could have a little more living space, and it seems now like my new roomie so does not want me in here. She cant sleep at night while i'm in here, she naps out on the couch, can't clean if i'm around and i'm starting to feel really uncomfortable. I didn't want to push her out at all! i try to give her all the space she needs but today....today i just want to hide out all day. and apparently that ruined her plans. :( i can barely go anywhere in my apartment, considering the lovebirds are usually making out in the kitchen/front room area, steph chills in our room, and rachel has the private room. oh, and cristina really wanted the old room to herself. so i'm thinking of moving out, again. but idk where i would go, and i DID just resign for the next semester in this apartment.

Angst

Have you ever watched those silly videos on YouTube called Potter Puppet Pals? I kinda feel like Harry in the Wizard Angst one. He's standing there, bashing his head against the way saying "angst, angst, angst..." and i kinda feel like that right about now. On the plus side, this means i'm feeling deeper emotions again. On the down side...i'm feeling really crappy emotions. Ones that are confusing, and terrifying, and altogether really stressful. And honestly? I wish there were a tactful way to just discuss the issues with the people i'm feeling these emotions because of. College? Pssh, i got that handled as well as i can right now. My job? Its going. All i have left to do is wait. But the people in my life? I can't exactly move them around (metaphorically) to arrange them in my life just how i would like them. They have to want it too. And i wanna just SAY something. But i want them to just say anything! Because i have no idea, no clue, no droplet of inclination as to what others think. But everyone says, "wait. let them say something first." What if i lose my chance? What if it's already out of reach? I don't know if I'm willing to put myself on the line all over again, after everything i've been through. I don't know if i could take that kind of emotional shattering all over again. But its those moments of cheer, of twitterpated anticipation that make everything worthwhile. And i couldn't live the rest of my life without little tastes of that kind of ecstasy. Because, i can't keep going on feeling nothing.

Touch the Sky

Alright, so, i'm moving up in the world. I think. I'm hopefully starting college within a week. (keep your fingers crossed that i get accepted). I've decided what to major in: Business. lol Who'd have thought, hmm? excessively creative little Sarah using her brilliance to manipulate math figures. Haha. So i was really reluctant to tell everyone, for fear o jinxing it, but there isn't much left for me to do but wait, and hope. Next on my list? getting a freaking car. I need to drive; i can't be dependent on anyone else anymore. So, i suppose this, in a way, is another beginning for me. I mean, i'm still a lot further along with my life than i was over a year ago, but i still have so much further left to go. can i just note that even my parents are a little shocked that i'm doing so well on my own? its a little bit funny. I also wanted to do a mini-shout out to some people who really helped push me in the right direction: Laura and Jay Calkins. If you're reading this, Laura, thanks for just listening and treating me like the capable human being i am (even though at the time i so wasn't) also, i miss you! And Mom, because i know you read this sometimes, thanks for helping with my fafsa stuff today. I know you hate finances and i kinda put you on the spot. Haha i'm having a little thank-timony right here. anyway, i'm feeling pretty good right now. Keep your fingers crossed, luvs!!

Listen to Your Heart

yeah, sorry, that's the song stuck in my head. (haha music version of product placement) But hey, another year of my life just passed by, and believe me, that one was booking it. So much has changed, but most especially, I myself have done a lot of changing. Lol and i mean more than just regaining my sanity. I found out more about myself as a person, and the things that i truly love, and i'm learning what i want to achieve in my life. wanna hear my big dream?? its a little bit ridiculous, but here it goes: I want to travel the world, learn how to make all kinds of cultural cuisine and then come back here to America and start my own restaurant, and i think i wanna name it Small World. Or something more clever. lol. Thats gonna take quite a bit of time and money. But its what i really truly want. And shh, dont say anything, but i'm applying to colleges and hopefully this month will be starting accelerated classes to get a business degree. I'm working out the financial aid stuff this week. I dont want to tell a whole bunch of people just in case it all falls through, and i end up looking even more lame than i already am. anyway, i guess i've just got a lot of ambition going on right now.