Just One of Those Days

do you ever have one of those days that, for no explicable reason, its just fantastic. I am having one of those. I work today, i got paid this week, i got to go to the temple(even though i got a crazy bloody nose in the middle of doing temple work and had to leave), my older sister, Laura, whom i love dearly, had her baby this week as well. But, see, none of that good stuff happened today. I just woke up in a ridiculously good mood. Hopefully i can keep it that way. Oh, btw, the baby's name is Derrik Clayton Calkins, he was born on July 28, 2010, at 4.00am Florida time, and was 7lbs 14oz. a big, cute baby. Hopefully, i can purchase a plane ticket, take some time off work and fly down there to see my sis and her family. They've really welcomed me into their family and helped me get onto my own two feet, metaphorically speaking. Jay and Laura are my favorite siblings, to be completely and utterly honest. And they also have another son named Jacob Martin(he's two) and he and i...well we're best friends. (ask him; he agrees). Aside from his parents and grandparents names: mama, daddy, papa, and gigi,  he learned my name first. it was so cute the first he was like "Sawah, sawah!! Up."

Sammitches

I LOVE SAMMITCHES. yes, i am mispronouncing sandwiches. yes, i love them. but only if they are fresh and on delicious bread. also, i love burgers. unfortunately, i eat way more sammiches than i do burgers.other things i love: photography, the scriptures, my friends, mi familia (but i don't always like them), my job, life, fluffy animals, babies. lol its getting to be a long list. and trust me, there is more that i didn't add on there.

all by my lonesome

lol i don't even have any followers on my blog! its rather sad, if you ask me. my closest friends live in different states, my family never visits or bothers to call, and my job is taking over my social life. lol oh well. so, guess what my oh so sweet older sister by the name of Jennifer Michelle did to me this week? she went back to Colorado. without me. ON PURPOSE. i asked her. she planned it so that i wouldnt be able to come. also, she says that i am stealing er life. (whatever that means) and she thinks its a miracle that i got such a good job. mean!! I mean, its not like i didnt have things left to do in colorado, right? like, i dont know--- figuring out the deal-io between me and cole, seeing my daddy, driving, seeing daphne... grr. i have more ties left there than she did!!!

Besties Foreva!! :p

i have a confession. or a statement really. I LOVE MY BEST FRIENDS!!!! This is a quiet shout out to Daphne Marie Munafo, Cole Joseph Boschetto, Terryn Brittany Mills, and Amanda (whose middle name i frequently forget) Short. These four lovelies get me through everything. The good times and bad ones. Even though we are all very far away, leaving for college, and moving on with our lives, i hope we continue to stay in touch. Because it isn't everyday that i find myself surrounded by such copacetic people.

It Just Keeps Getting Better

Life feels good today. I know that lately, I've been grumpy, lonely, and altogether making myself miserable, but today...its gone. My problems haven't just magically disappeared or anything, i just feel better about them. Work was busy and chaotic, especially since i got there at 9.30, and my supervisor hadn't shown up yet, so it was me and an overall manager who has fifty million other things to do than help me do a job I'm extremely capable of, but there were at least ten pre-orders, thirty extra large pizzas to be made, and on top of that all the EFY orders to be pre-made. But somehow, my manager f\got there just in time for the real chaos to start and i did all the prep stuff we needed and i got sent home and hour and a half early. again. it was nice tho. my mind was occupied, i felt like i actually accomplished something, now I'm baking a cake for Leah (its her 21st birthday today) and later I'm going country dancing with Haley Giblette. I still miss Laura, Jake, Cole and my dad, but i'm okay. life is pretty dang good for me. I feel bad that i have such a hard time recognizing just how incredibly lucky i am.

Frustration

Its like a big old pot of angst that is already simmering and someone keeps turning up the heat, so it starts to boil and fester. That is my description of frustration. Would you like to hear the source of my current frustration? Probably not, but i need to get it out of my system. I need money, so i can live. I have to work so i can have money. i have to use time and effort in order to work. Life is made up of time and effort. But life is not worth living if you spend all your time working and alone. Its a vicious circle, which i normally dont mind, because i always manage to fit my friends, scriptures and journal into my spare time. but as of late, my best friend is no longer coming to visit me, which is fine, but i just feel like i might never see him again. and now, my sister is going home for almost a week, and i cant come because i have so much work, and i'm covering for other people. So, i dont get to see my dad or my friends. Also, she told me she made sure i couldnt come because she didnt want me around. Harsh.

The World Continues Turning

i feel so very....alone. obviously, i have people surrounding me, but when it comes to my secrets and my past, i have no one to talk to. i couldnt possibly let anyone know all the stupid things i used to do, but without someone who knows that side of me, i am utterly by myself, except God. But i feel at times that i'm stuck, unmoving in the midst of a busy, ever spinning world, and i alone am still. Its dizzying. lol

He Hears Me

I have spent way too much time in the past few months crying. I cried for me, though. For years and years i couldnt cry unless it was for someone else in pain, and i was silent. I never shared my own thoughts and emotions, locking them up tight. but now? ever since i have pushed myself, moved out on my own, and turned my life around and started giving my heart back to God, i cry. I cry for my own pain, my losses, my transgressions, my shortcomings and the wrongs i have felt. And for a long time, i felt like no one cared, no one knew. And i still feel that no one here on earth would stretch out their hands to comfort me. But ever since i started trying to become closer to the Lord, i dont feel so alone. And today, i ran across a song called "He Hears Me." its an old EFY song, but the lyrics basically go, "he hears me, when i'm crying in the night, he hears me when my soul longs to fight, til the morning will come, and the light of the dawn reassures." And it felt so fitting. He hears me. He knows my every pain, my every downfall, and He loves me. At times when i need someone to just put their arms around me and tell me i'll  be alright, and with no one around, i feel warm and safe, like someone wrapped me in a big soft blanket and the Spirit whispers that i'm going to be okay. Lol, i'm having issues seeing the screen as i write this, bc i'm crying again. this time because i've never felt so grateful for someone i couldnt see.

Glee-ful

i have a confession.....i love glee. yes, the tv show. yes, its cheesy. but i love the music! i was in choir and theater and always want to have a show choir. it would have been epic. also, i love to look up the originals of the songs they sing. Currently, i'm hooked on Aretha Franklin's "Say a little prayer for you". its so good, and catchy! i love music, fyi. From all eras and genres... except folk music and bluegrass. i dont know why but those really grate on me. its obnoxious.

History Repeats Itself

I think its safe to say that i am totally not over him. Him as in the only guy i actually loved. And there goes the attempt to avoid being cliche. Look, i know i sound like a love struck little girl, because I'm only eighteen and i met him while in high school, but you gotta understand, i despised those kind of girls. Y'know, the ones that date the guy for a month and tell everyone, "oh, we're in love." not so in my case. William Alan Shue is his name. Will and I met in high school, like i said before, it was my freshman year and he was a senior. and honestly, for that entire year, we were "just friends"...who flirted and were jealous of each others dates. And then my sophomore year, i ran into him at walmart, and the feelings were still there so we exchanged numbers and got together i guess. And we've been on and off ever since. Mostly because we're so different and yet so alike. We argued a lot and would get frustrated and refuse to talk for months. But it took me two years before i could honestly say i loved him. He, on the other hand, practically worshiped me, always talking about getting married, having kids. He told me once he already thought of me as his wife. (it freaked me out.) But finally, about a year ago now, he actually proposed, and i said yes. Six months later, we had a nasty break up where he dumped me for another girl, who i think he might have been cheating on me with. But i dont know for sure. Anyway, what brought this up is, y'know those myspace truth boxes? well, he and i used to say things in those boxes where you just knew it was the other person, bc we knew each other that well. so, he and i havent talked for the past six months, but he posted something in my box. it was along the lines of "God damn it, girl, you are so hot." yeah, not exactly comforting. but it also means that he's been thinking about me. and it hurts, because i want him back so badly, but how can i take him back? i have spent months crying myself to sleep whenever i'm alone and i was finally starting to stop crying. and then he does this. My heart is aching.. :(

Deep Dark Secrets

Okay, so they arent all that deep or dark, but there are things i wouldnt just tell people. Like today was a physical example. I spent all day cooking and cleaning. I LOVE to cook. No one really knows that. I like baking treats for other people and gourmet foods for myself. And the truth is, i'm pretty dang good at it. i dont like to just cook a box of macaroni and cheese, i have to add my own twist. And the only thing stopping me from sauteeing and broiling all the most delicious foods, is my own budget. i live on my own, so i have to pay rent, buy groceries, and still manage to afford my neccessities. so i cant exactly buy fresh wheat or endless fresh veggies to cook to my own taste. i can barely afford chicken nuggets. *groan* thats what i miss the most. red meat, and fresh poultry. seafood isnt a problem since i actually dont like it. And the truth is, i dont like to cook for myself that much. its neccessary, bc i'm picky, but i wish there were someone who i could cook for, to dance with to my music in the kitchen. I used to have someone like that. He had proposed and everything. Strange, isn't it, how the world falls apart? I changed my dreams from successful beautiful business woman, to a strong minded wife and mother, and now i'm on my own. I have no clue what i want anymore. Well, i know what i want: a family, but that doesnt seem like a possiblity for a very long time. and so thats why i want to teach. because then i can benefit the children of my community and still have the successful businesswoman aspect.

Sounds Like Life to Me.

These past few days i have felt so worn out, and frustrated as well. Mostly frustrated because i'm exhausted, to be utterly honest. I had a lot of blood loss a few days ago (due to a collossal bloody nose--two days!!!) and have been sleeping and eating a ridiculous amount of food, but with no energy to do anything active i feel like i'm getting fat and lazy. but mentally, i'm in a totally awesome place. i have the absolute best best friend in the entire world. :) his name is cole boschetto. people always give me funny looks when i say "he"...which reminds me, why is it so strange for a girl and a guy to just be friends?? it doesnt have to be sexual, or attached. cole and i do really well as just friends. i mean, we have our *cough cough* awkward sexual tension moments when there are just sparks, but we never act on him. anyway, back to my point. Cole is the best, because, whenever i need someone to cheer me up, he magically knows. like i texted him one word "hey" when i was feeling kinda lonely and he calls me, has a long conversation and just generally makes me feel better. and i trust him, completely. its a strange feeling for me, given my personal history. if i remember, i'll probably write a blog to catch you up to speed on my past. but so thats it. i'm tired, frustrated, but excited because i'm typing this blog on my brand spanking new laptop, given to me as a gift from my biological mom, christie. good night!!

The Beginning

I'm not much of a blogger, I'll confess. I find it awkward and altogether kind of public to write my emotions and share them on the internet. But i have opinions and thoughts that are never heard, so i'm giving in and creating one. How silly is that? Anyway, this can serve as the basic rundown of me. My name is Sarah Damaris (dah-mah-ree)(its french) and I'm not going to post my last name. I am eighteen years old, and live on my own but currently share an apartment with my older sister. She is twenty, and usually a pain in the neck. I love to learn things, as long as it doesn't involve math, and i love to help others. its weird, i know. That is why i want to teach. But life for me isn't exactly a picnic, y'know? But that is true in most cases. And, in truth, my life could have been a lot worse up to this point. But it hasn't been. I have a loving father, caring siblings(some of them), and a strong sense of self. Not many people can say that. I feel I should also mention that I'm LDS aka Mormon. This belief really plays into my actions and thoughts, but believe me when i say i haven't always felt that way. So anyway, in short, i try to say what i really think, and sometimes it can cause offense, but i'm mostly just myself.