Ashamed

I hate to admit it, but i'm afraid that at times i can be a very judgmental person, and it makes me extremely ashamed of my actions. i chose to be grumpy and irritated with my new apartment, looking for reasons to dislike it, but i am realizing thats a very dumb way of thinking. here i've been spending my entire life fighting to see the good side, to forgive easier, and once i'm in a truly good place, i choose to look at everything negatively. the more time i spend with my new roomies, the more i like them. they are all so sweet, and kind, and awesome. did you know they have a quote board?! i'm completely sure that i can get along with them quite well, i just have to stop being such a negative nancy. anyway, this is my realization and confession for the day.

Stepping Forward

i've really been in a funk, these last few days. you know how it goes, the whole depressed, wanna cry, dig a hole and live in it, kind of thing. its because of drama, mostly, girl friends hitting on guy friends, making me feel totally uncomfortable, and the fact that i seriously dislike estrogen fests....i'm afraid i get along with guys way better than some girls. (leah, i dont mean you. because i know you read this) i honestly cannot wait to be in my own apartment, mostly because i desperately need space. but i am also desperately afraid that once i'm out, i wont get invited to all the fun, cool, crazy stuff that our group does. but believe me, there's more on my mind than this local drama. i dont know what triggered it, but my mind keeps running back to the ex. yeah, yuck. also, today is his 21st birthday, so i can only imagine all the stupid things he'd probably doing. i keep thinking about the fact that because of him, i cant put myself out there anymore. i'm so afraid of feeling lost, and hurt again. or that i will return to naivety and turn a blind eye to all the wrong going on. i try so hard to lack emotion and feelings, so that i can view things logically, my heart keeps jumping in and interfering. and i find myself thinking about potentials, and i hate it. it isnt my scene, and i'm not the kind of girl to be...well, boy crazy. and i'm finding myself with a list of people i find...intriguing. i guess i just dont know what to do. so, here's what i came up with for today: i find it fitting, seeing as its his birthday, i am letting go, completely. i keep looking back at my past, and thereby am tainting how i view my future. its unhealthy, really. so, today i'm saying goodbye, to the first person i ever loved, for good. at least, the memory of him. lol

My Crazy, Hectic, Wonderful Life

Well, I have to admit, for Mormon college students, the apartment i'm staying is most definitely a party apartment....and i love it. I'm wondering if I'll still be included in everything once I move into my new apartment this thursday, and it makes me feel a little bit sad. but anyway, i should probably catch you up on all our crazy antics, since i currently am having issues with my sleep....

So, to begin with, the entire last week, I am quite sure no one got to sleep until at least one in the morning every night, right up until friday. On Friday, we, as in Leah Hall, Rachel Hall, Sadie Fielding, and I, all went to go help Sadie unpack into her new apartment. Then, around 8ish, we went to this absolutely delicious Chinese place for dinner, called Saigon Noodles(where you can totally get a large amount of food for only five dollars--talk about a college students dream!), then headed back to Leah's apartment to chill until 11.30, when we left to go work out in the gym at Sadie's new place. Around 1.30 Josh and Ben (two of our guy friends from Elms Apartments) showed up and we made a random, hour-long trip to Walmart for toilet paper. yes, this took an entire hour. Then we decided to go to the 24 hour Ihop, and we were there for two more hours. (i had some seriously delish crepes) Ben totally knocked water all over me, on accident. (it was utterly hilarious and sorta woke me up) Leah and Josh were in deep conversation and it took awhile before i could convince everyone to leave, because i was gonna fall asleep right there at the table. So, we got back to Sadie's apartment around 4.30ish, and finally got to sleep. After that, Sadie woke me up at noon, because she thought it was one, and i had to be back by 4, because i agreed to take another girl's shift at work at 5. Then I closed at work that night, meaning that i didnt even get off until one in the morning. So, if you hadnt guessed already...i was so tired!! and i decided to shower before bed because there were gonna be six other girls trying to get ready in the morning. so, i didnt get actual sleep until around 2. then there was church in the morning, and another late night hanging out with the Elms boys, and here i am, unable to sleep, waiting for a more decent time to get ready for work, which is gonna be at 10. welcome to my world...haha.

the Present is a Gift

The brilliance faded
As time flew by.
Words stopped flowing
From my mind to the pen
blank spaces are all i see
That seems to be
The sole path left to me.
I long to recreate
The visions i could see
But now? the sights?
....so lost to me.
I want to fill your head
With all the incredible things
That i used to know.
But now they are gone,
Melted like the snow.
Did the artery of art
Quit flowing through me?
Or just block itself off
To the soul inside this body?
Can i slice it back open
To let the thoughts run free?
Where would i send them?
Perhaps that is why
They have disappeared.
I had no use of dreams
For mine had momentarily
All come true.
So now they are gone.
And all i have left
Is the sounds
Of someone else's songs.

Sing Me a Good Old Gospel Song

I find it incredible and awe-inspiring that music so easily touches my soul. I have my most spiritual moments because of the lyrics of a song, or the chords on a piano. It makes my own heart sing. Like today in church, i was extremely sleepy until the musical number. which woke me up, and i felt filled with light and hope, and i had chills running down my spine. Its exhilarating and frightening. If something sweet and good can be carried through music, something dark and creepy is just easily influencing. It makes me think very seriously about the things i allow to play in my ears. but i also use good music to set my mood and emotions, and play the lyrics in my head to combat the bad. lol i sound so silly, but thats honestly how i feel.

Because i am the only-est one

Its so strange, how i function. I love to be around people, but i find myself pushing to be alone. i prefer to chill in my room, instead of chill out in the living room with all the other girls. and at work, when everyone is mashed together trying to maneuver around one another, i cant jump in there with everyone, i have to go around or wait it out. maybe, i'm secretly an introvert. but the odd part is, i like hearing other people near by, so i can join them if i so choose. or maybe its just a recurrence from all the months i spent completely on my own, barely speaking to people. lol but i'm not socially awkward. (at least, i dont think i am). But i am so grateful for all the wonderful people surrounding me, like the sweet girls who are letting me stay at their apartment until i can move into my new one, or the ones that wouldnt take no for an answer when i was moving and they wanted to help. and then i have all my sweet friends who still keep in touch, and remind me of why i love them to death, and who listen when i'm all frazzled.

And So it Goes

The inevitable has occurred. Those of you that have known me a long time, you should know that this means boy trouble. It follows me everywhere. The sad part is, that i was sure that i had it beat this time around. Apparently not. This inevitable issue stems from the fact that i'm generally the only girl when i work. Sometimes Jody is my supervisor, but in general, i work with a kitchen full of male cooks and drivers. Some of whom, are extremely good looking. Or they're just my kind of dude. And i am an unintentional flirt. Because, i don't see what i do, as necessarily flirting. because when i try to flirt...well its pretty much intense. Anyway, so here's the story of the week: i work with all guys. I think three of these guys are cute. One has just been made into my new supervisor, one i am always chatting with, and the other has a girlfriend. So, i guess to everyone at work, its pretty apparent that i'm into the second guy. So, anyway, Saturday night, i was working with my cute supervisor and just a bunch of the guys. Shouldn't have been weird at all. But it was, because Zach, one of the drivers, came up to me and was all like, "So, Sarah, other than me (cuz i'm the cutest guy here), which of the drivers to you think are cute?" He said this laughing. So i laughed too, and said, "Did you really just ask me that question?"
Zach: "Jeff is a little cutie, huh?" (jeff is guy number 2)
Me: (laughing/blushing) "yeah, he is a little cutie"
Zach: (jaw dropped, and really loudly yelled) "you think jeff has a cute bootie?!?! SARAH!!!!"
Supervisor was standing right there, and maybe it was just me, but he looked a little uncomfortable. at this point i was bright red and was like, "no!! thats sooo not what i said! i'm not really a butt person.." awkward!!! Everyone that was working that night most definitely heard that conversation. also, my supervisor seemed a little less cheerful after that. which is unfortunate, bc he is a really fun guy. And Zach said that he and jody talked about me and jeff, and think that we would make a cute couple.
Also, it feels like a repeat of an occurrence when i worked at sonic, concerning Cody, Derek, and Maria. Maria being the one asking questions, Cody being the subject, and Derek being the cute standby.
Why do i always get myself into these situations??

This Time, Baby, I'll be Bulletproof

I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying lately....and i'm sorry to say its because i'm having ridiculously high levels of stress. Dont get me wrong, I pray when life is good too, but i feel like my prayers are more desperate pleas lately. And mostly, it works. But i feel like all the people i put my trust in are letting me down. They get my hopes up, and then let me fall back. But i just wanted to say that i'm really grateful for the ones that ARE always there for me. My dad being the main one of them. Even when he is going through tough times, he's still willing to listen to me cry and complain about "how hard life is" (yes, i do say those kinds of things, occasionally) And the more i study and pray, the more i realize that God does the same thing for me, on a much wider level. and it makes me glad to call Him my Heavenly Father. anyway, just thought i would share that little glimmer of hope that keeps me buoyed up.