Fruit to Life Ratios

You know the saying "Life is just a bowl of cherries"? And how its supposed to be like how "Life is just peachy!" For the longest time I could not understand why the good life is related to a bunch of fruit. What is so appealing about a bowl of cherries anyway?! Thinking about it (and also eating a bag of cold cherries...) I got it. It clicked! There is very few things I enjoy more than biting into some fresh, cold fruit. The way the juice bursts in your mouth, but the flesh is firm and sweet. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. It is one of the most refreshing, enjoyable feelings in the world. The best treat, I think. But then, I really got to thinking. Life really is a bowl of cherries. And not just in a life is really good way. Life is totally like the bowl of cherries. Because, overall its pretty good. Its a good thing. But when you are sitting there eating those cherries, you encounter some that are not so good. Some are so marred and gross looking, you don't want to touch them with a ten-foot pole. You either eat around them, until they are all that's left, or man-up and pick them out as you go. We have moments like that. Fears or experiences that are so awful we don't want to address them. And we can either face them as we go, and never have to deal with them again, or we can try to eat around them, but they always get in the way, staring us in the face until they are all we have left. Or there are some that used to be good. But over time, they become bitter and sour, and we realize they weren't as great as we thought they would be. Or ones that look perfect from the outside, but when you bite in, its a little bit rotten. But the majority? They are perfectly juicy, firm, and delicious. You savor each bite and long for more just like it. That's life. Mostly good, but with some bad spots, that we can either deal with, and enjoy the sweet parts, or let the bitter parts overwhelm our sweet parts.

Stories People Tell

I love books. :) I love how they weave so many intricate pieces together, and manage to tie them all up with a cute little bow. I know its dorky, but the one I'm reading now ties in Scotland (I seriously love those accents..), History, present day, love and genetics. And reminds me of Assassin's Creed. I'm in geek heaven. Maybe I should learn how to write a book? But I don't think I have a good enough idea to write a book on anything. Poetry, sure, but a full story? Probably not. Speaking of, I've been giving lots of thought to my future career, and I have no idea what I want to do. I know I've been pretty dedicated to neuroscience, and still love it, but I don't think I'm smart enough to do all the math and work it entails, or the interest to solidly work on research. I'm so easily bored. And how could I maintain a family? (even though this is all a long ways away) And i'm pretty good with languages, so thats been something for me to think about lately. Why? And for what purpose? I'm afraid I just don't know.

Zombie Emotions

I can't find a way to express what's going through my head without dredging up old things, long buried with time and healing. I am not proud to admit the things that I've experienced recently. I do not regret, but I need to say things things, somewhere, and I feel like my journal should be reserved for things not of men and silly things. Because these feelings are definitely because of a boy. And a silly girl. That silly girl is me, and I get duped every time. First week of classes, of course I would meet a cute guy, who wants to study, then date. That would happen to me. And I would, of course, fall hook line and sinker. But of course, tragedy hits, and he cannot date me because he's going on a mission and would feel hypocritical. (I hope you're picking up on my dramatic tone, because its dripping right here) But of course, the guy kisses me anyway, because I'm just too hard to resist. But "it doesn't feel right. what a relief." And I walk home alone, trying not to cry, and trying to understand what is wrong with me that gets me rejected so quickly. And now he's on to the next one. But I've been trying to analyze myself and figure out how i felt so attached so quickly and what about this jerk draws me to him. And i realize that the similarity lies deep in my own deeply stored, beneath the earth kind of deep, past. In Will, of course. Its on this poor boys face, that smile I loved. And the same pattern personality that I'm drawn to, like a moth to a flame. My mother always did say one day i'd get burned. Well, apparently, even when I am over him, i'm not really moving past him. And that frustrates me. Because if I wanted to date my ex, I'd just call him. Maybe. Actually, I think he's married now... but yeah. I hate that I always fall for the guys that are destined to destroy me. I want to feel normal, and love someone who is different from all the other guys I've fallen for. Someone who loves me for me. Not because they think I'm beautiful. Which, i'm not saying that I am, but apparently I do appeal to a certain class of men. And i need to find someone of higher caliber. The problem is, what if I can't have that? Am I not worth their time? I think that might be where my true fears lie.

In my own little corner of the world

College is so different! I mean, I know I was living on my own before, but my experience here in Idaho has already been radically different. I feel everything so deeply. I feel overwhelmed, but excited. Tired but eager. And I feel like my heart is all over the place. Lol.  I feel like everything is swirling around me, but I'm holding onto this little corner of myself. trying to hang onto who i am. I feel like I can't focus, there are so many people around, but i also feel so deeply alone. Like I'm by myself, in a crowded room. I'm drowning. almost. I miss people. The people I care about, that are all far away from me.

Quietly Slipping Away

I moved again! This time to Rexburg, ID. For school, this time. And honestly, this move may have actually been the hardest one yet. I miss my guys so badly; they were always there when I was feeling sad and alone. Technically, they still are, but its more like 5 hours away for comfort, versus the five seconds it took before. I am so grateful to have had them in my life. But now, I need to find myself in solitary, once again. I'm excited to be finally attending school, but i'm deathly afraid I won't find a job, or I won't be able to manage doing everything. And I feel so alone up here. I mean, there's daphne (woot!) and rachel snow (also, woot) but I feel like I haven't made a solid connection with anyone yet. I guess it just takes time. But I miss my friends. But I am so grateful for my dad. He's always been the greatest man in my life; always there when I need him. with a nice long lecture that is somehow comforting.

A Drop In the Ocean

I feel like many of the things I'm doing right now are just killing time. I am just waiting to be able to leave, to move up to Idaho(for school, obviously) and its now like, the things that I've been working so hard for mean nothing as of the fact they're about to end. And I feel bored. I don't see the point in trying so hard at work, because in a few weeks, it won't matter anymore. And I don't try to build more friendships here, or take the ones i have to a higher level, since I'll be gone in a matter of time. Everything has an expiration date. And I feel like its all going slightly rotten anyway. But I am excited for the prospects of moving away. I'm excited to take classes, and have a new job, live in a new place. I feel like the next era of my life is finally beginning, and its going to be amazing.

New Day, New Year, New Life

Everything is changing, and so far it seems for the better. I got my official promotion at Brick Oven. I am now joint manager with Brandon over the Delivery department in the Provo store. Once they've decided I'm settled enough, I'll take over completely. Also when they can actually afford to pay me. Yeah, thats exactly what they told me. But I like it so far. I like my day shifts, and I like making the schedule, and I like being da boss woman. I'm also waiting to hear back from my BYU applications; they should email me during the next few weeks. Let me tell ya, the anxiety is killing me!! I am praying like crazy to get in, and to find a way to afford it. But I really am excited, and I have a good feeling about this. Like, I'm doing the things that are right. Bekah is living up here in Provo with me; well, next door actually, but its good to have her here. Family is so very important. I miss Colorado though. The sun doesn't shine very much here in Provo; its always too cloudy. And its just cold. No snow, no real winter signs. Its just plain old cold. But hey, I have good friends, a good hot cocoa recipe, and a cozy little apartment. Therefore life is good. Oh! PS-- my roommate Cristina is having me be a bridesmaid in her wedding! I am one of two. Its quite flattering. :) But tonight we're starting tanning so that we can all be tan for her wedding....lol who'd have thought that i would ever fake bake? But tan I shall be. Love you all!