Country Music

I have so many quirks, that really give you a peek into my real emotions. And i miss the one person who knew me well enough to see all the signs. Or, at least, I miss the guy i remember. Not the jerk he became. I miss having someone know when i was hurt by the kind of music i played, or how truly happy i was by the change of my eye color. No one else has ever bothered to get to know me, ME, so deeply. Not even my siblings, or parents, or best friends know me so well. And he just walked away. Why? Why did he walk away? What made him stop loving me? It doesnt really matter, i guess, because he's not coming back. But i do wonder if i'll ever find anyone who loves me that much ever again. Am i destined to be single forever? The country music is still playing. I can't bring myself to turn it off. Country music is what i play when i'm sad. Why does country music make me so sad?? these are all pretty rhetorical questions, because no one can answer them; not even me. On top of these flashbacks, i'm going stir-crazy. I gotta get out. I need to leave again; to travel; to start over again--everything new.

Realizations

The more I step back and look at my life, the more it seems I need to fix. Like, i'm selfish, and have a tendency to be self centered. And maybe, the fact that i'm actually noticing means that I'm on my way to correcting these problems, but no matter how hard i try, i still feel the way i do. Like, i have a tendency to push people away, because i'm afraid of them hurting me, or i have trouble accepting new people because i dont want them to be better than me. I dont want to be forgotten in their shadow. And that's really selfish. Its rude, and small minded, all the things i dislike in other people, and i'm finding them here in  my self. And i'm continually dissatisfied with my life. No matter how many blessings i've recieved, i always seem to want more I always find something to complain about. And thats not right either. I guess i just need to work on it.

A Whole New World

Life is still the same but yet so different. Its how i'm looking at it that makes it all new. i'm looking forward. And am moving forward, or attempting at the least. And i have some really incredible things going for me right now. I got employee of the month; proof that my work ethic is much improved, and am surrounding myself with good friends. in fact, i have a roommate, her name is Rachel, and it seems as though she and i are always hanging out together. I feel really close to her, like she'll be my new best friend. (lol that feels weird to say) She understands, and has experienced the kinds of crazy hectic things that i've gone through. And she is so much better than i am, so she's an example and a good influence. And i have a loving family, even if we are really distant. Sometimes the distance is physical, but others its mental, but at least i still have them. And i always have the Lord. and i know i sound preachy, and molly-mormon-esque, but i mean it. I learned that when all i had left was God. And i love Him. My heart is healing, and i'm moving past all the traumatic and upsetting things that i've had in my life. :) i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm gonna be okay.