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(this is from a little while ago, and i was impressed that i had momentarily regained my power over words.)

A little demon lurks
within the dark spaces
of my vast thoughts and works.
In the dark she paces
waiting to devour
my vunerable mind;
overwhelming power
filled by darkness and grime.
Is there no cage,
in which i could trap her?
Is there no page,
On which i could slap her?
I long to be free
of this monstrous hate
but she invades all parts
of my dreams and plans,
and as i try
to tame the evil beast,
she pulls me down;
leaving me in defeat.
All alone i struggle
because when i look
for a helping hand
those i reach for
are already gone
thinking that they help
by lettting me fend away
the demons on my own.

Possible Ovary Names

okay, this is gonna be fun. :) my roommate rachel named her ovaries. and the more my cramps hurt the more i wish i had names for my ovaries just so i could be angry at something. so here are the names i've been finding:
Abundia-(latin) abundance
Florence-(latin) blooming, flowery
Garcia-(latin) she who demonstrates charm and grace(lol irony)
Eitri -(icelandic) venom
Ignacia-(latin) fiery, ardent
Lena - (latin) temptress
Messalina - (latin) she who has an insatiable appetite
i think i'm naming them garcia and messalina...

Watch the World Burn

I'm moving forward; thats a realization that i am okay with, right now. lol I'm moving past the past; burning bridges, so to speak. I've lost that once prized connection with the ones i felt closest to; and i let go of the silent, brooding girl i used to be. What i have now seems worthwhile; worth the sacrifice. When i took the trip back home, i saw that things werent going to stay the same for me to come home to, that things had to change there too. I have new close friends, new stories to tell, a new way of looking at things, and i'm good with that. Somehow, with everything new, i feel like i'm finding my old personality; the sparkle i thought i had long since lost. its a good feeling, and i'm happy. But i realize that i'm also a lot more alone. Like last night, when i got so sick because of food poisoning, i wanted so badly to have someone there to hold me and make me feel better; but i had no one. i refused to even tell my roommates that i wasnt okay. And i miss that. I miss having someone to kiss me when i'm sad, or who knows without question how i'm feeling by looking into my eyes. can all that time really have been a waste? a lie? what was the point of the investment?! (obviously i'm not totally resolved on this topic)

Foaming at the Mouth

I am seriously seething with emotions and thoughts. I feel angry, yet content. Happy, yet sad; rebellious, but patient. I feel like i'm full of so many unreasonable contradictions. I went back to colorado last week, seeking peace, or at least a break from reality, and during that trip, i realized i love my life the way it is. I like my job, i adore my roommates, i have good friends, and my heart is in the right place. I also realized that i'm seeking to hang on to the past. i wish for my man back, and for my friends not to change, for life back home to never change, but honestly? live should not be lived that way. i need to let go, in order to continue moving forward. lol but the irony of it all, is that the way i'm going with my life, was never something i planned on. i should be in new york, or planning my future with he-whose-name-i-can't-speak. i never dreamed i would be working and saving in utah, planning FHE lessons, and perfecting my cooking techniques. how did i get here?