You Melt My Heart To Stone

Am I truly so unloveable, that even my own sister, my own flesh and blood, cannot even embrace me without being repulsed? I know I'm not disgusting, or too hideous, but can no one find it in themselves to see me for the wonderful being that i just might be? I know i have a long ways to go before i become fantastic, or really before i even regain my usual charm, but i'm really feeling just how lonely and alone i am in this big world. Not a single guy has actually asked me on a single date in almost six months, nor have i seen family or had anyone hug me and tell me they love me in the same amount of time. and i dont just mean boyfriends. i mean, like, family, best friends, etc. and here i am, still completely by myself, not even able to express these fears of mine to a physical being. ranting online has literally become my only expression of emotions. Even my younger sister is getting dates!! (not saying that she shouldnt, but i was always more social than she is). I feel like i'm fading into the background. like i've lost everything special about me; everything that made me stand out as a person, and i'm becoming the support of all others. I mean, I love being there for everyone around me, and i'm quite good at it, but sometimes i miss the way i used to shine. *sigh* i just dont know whats wrong with me.

Teenage Pregnancy

i am still kind of in shock....there are so many girls that i went to school that are either pregnant or have kids right now. and yeah, i'm still just eighteen. thats young. and scary. what gets even scarier is that these girls arent even married, some of them dont even speak to the father anymore. what does that say about society today? it makes me wonder what life is going to be like for that child. will they know that people whispered unkind words behind their mother's backs? how many will see there mothers in a negative light because of their birth? that worries me. and i realize that i am so glad sor my own virtues. but i also dont want to shut out these poor girls, who are victims of their own choices, but i still want to be their friend, y'know?

What Wondrous Love is This?

"what wondrous love is this, that sends such peace unto my soul?" I find peace, love and patience, in my Heavenly Father's strength. Just sayin'. I've truly been at the end of my rope with people lately and am really straining not to lose my temper. So, what do i do instead? I get down on my knees and beg the Lord for some of His mercy and patience, because i sure dont have enough. And i find some, usually. When i don't feel the Lord's peace and comfort, i know its because i'm not being sincere enough. Y'know, i am really, super, uber grateful that I have the gospel in my life, and that i fully know the truthfulness of its teachings. Buti have so much more to learn, and so much further to go before i can say that i'm being the best person i can be. What was it Julie B. Beck said at the regional conference??... something along the lines of, "You are doing so much better than you think; but you could be doing so much more than you are." That really hit me. I'm definitely not doing enough to do the Lord's work; I'm a terrible example when it comes to patience, and love, and forgiveness, as well as reading my scriptures and such. Thats one thing i really am intending to do better on: reading my scriptures. I am so fortunate to have all the wonderful friends i have as examples around me; as well as the best example anyone could turn to: Christ's. Anyway, those are my thoughts and feelings for the day.

whispered words

the sickness sets in
as the words tell a story,
the one i dont want to hear.

eyes tell the truth,
and emotions get gory,
and i face the words.

words;
vomited from their mouths.
repetition of he said she said

and i bite back,
the scream of pain.
the hidden secret

the one that is covered
by smiles, well feigned,
of a long lost emotion.

lost;
amid the given effort,
buoying up another instead

but long left open,
the wound begins
to rot and fester

covered up,
so their needles and pins,
might never see.

words;
bringing back to the surface,
things i never wanted seen.

Getcha Game On

Alright, I'm officially finished wallowing. I wanna get out there, hit up some handsome men, and stop being voluntarily single. But there is a big problem: its been so long since i've been a flirt, or tried to catch a guy, that my "game" might really sink. lol. Yeah, thats a serious problem. If i utterly fail in the cuteness department, i will want to crawl back into my hole and stay single forever. Which is why Rachel (my roomie) and I have decided to be each others wingmen. but she just got out of an engagement too. also, she'd twenty thousand times more gorgeous than me. lol anyway, here goes nothing.

Black Hole

i've had lots of time to think and reflect the past few days, as i've been attempting to recover from a temporary illness, and i find myself so sad, and empty. I dont miss the people i thought i missed, nor am i craving someone to love me, but i still feel like... like there is something missing for me. renee and i had a discussion, what feels like a very long time ago, is that there IS something missing, that i have a tendency to try to bandage the big hole inside of me, by using people and pulling them closer to me, but it is insufficient. but what i want to know is why. why is it there? what caused me to be this way? and why am i suddenly incapable of reaching out to others to become emotionally close...like i'm just letting the space get bigger. i find myself reaching for the lord for peace, and i find it, but the hole is still there. like i am an incomplete person. the question is : who is the other part of me?? who am i? why am i in pieces...

Dating

Why does this subject come up so frequently?? is it because we are all young adults, and generally we dont like to be alone? is it because media, and leaders, and family all insist that this is our timing to get married; to settle down; to fall in love?? because, i've decided that i'm not sure i wanna jump into the dating pool, just yet. i'm not hung up over someone (even though there are nights that i miss people) nor am i anti-dating. i just dont feel prepared to let someone into my life seriously. but i'm also a fairly serious person and couldnt handle being left right now; i really might fall apart completely. is that wrong of me?? or maybe just weird?? i feel like i'm the only girl out here right now who isnt ready for love, and its a strange feeling. like, we were even discussing dating at work, and the boys were like, "what about you, sarah? do YOU have a special someone?" and tony and brandon at the same time as me go "no" but my sentence ended whereas they continued and said "she has two!!! or more..." which made me laugh, but honestly. i get that a lot. do people really think that i'm such a player? or do they not realize that the only people i seem to attract are creepers anyway, so even if i were ready to date(which i'm not) there wouldnt BE anyone i wanted to. let alone two of them....

Chronic Mentality

so...i made friends with this kid....he's pretty much awesome. but number one, like, half of my chica friends have a crush on him, and i find that kind of obnoxious. but the point to this story, is that for some odd reason, i see myself in him. like, he and i are the same. i see all the pain that i've been suppressing in his face, when he thinks no one is looking, and to tell the truth, i think his story is a lot like mine, based off the bits and pieces i've gathered. so, therefore, i feel like i'm watching my heart break over and over again, and i find my mind running back to will, and all the good times we had. if i hadnt left for florida, i dont think he would have left me. and maybe i'd be living in pueblo, co waiting for my marine to take leave and come see me. and maybe i'd have an actual ring on my hand. its kinda hard to take in. but on the other hand, i'm grateful for where i am in life right now. i feel like i'm on the right track for my life, and i'm where i need to be. but its still hard to wake up and realize there is no one out there waiting for me, no one who i can cry to when i hurt, or to receive assurances from when i feel unloved.