Stepping Forward

i've really been in a funk, these last few days. you know how it goes, the whole depressed, wanna cry, dig a hole and live in it, kind of thing. its because of drama, mostly, girl friends hitting on guy friends, making me feel totally uncomfortable, and the fact that i seriously dislike estrogen fests....i'm afraid i get along with guys way better than some girls. (leah, i dont mean you. because i know you read this) i honestly cannot wait to be in my own apartment, mostly because i desperately need space. but i am also desperately afraid that once i'm out, i wont get invited to all the fun, cool, crazy stuff that our group does. but believe me, there's more on my mind than this local drama. i dont know what triggered it, but my mind keeps running back to the ex. yeah, yuck. also, today is his 21st birthday, so i can only imagine all the stupid things he'd probably doing. i keep thinking about the fact that because of him, i cant put myself out there anymore. i'm so afraid of feeling lost, and hurt again. or that i will return to naivety and turn a blind eye to all the wrong going on. i try so hard to lack emotion and feelings, so that i can view things logically, my heart keeps jumping in and interfering. and i find myself thinking about potentials, and i hate it. it isnt my scene, and i'm not the kind of girl to be...well, boy crazy. and i'm finding myself with a list of people i find...intriguing. i guess i just dont know what to do. so, here's what i came up with for today: i find it fitting, seeing as its his birthday, i am letting go, completely. i keep looking back at my past, and thereby am tainting how i view my future. its unhealthy, really. so, today i'm saying goodbye, to the first person i ever loved, for good. at least, the memory of him. lol