Zombie Emotions

I can't find a way to express what's going through my head without dredging up old things, long buried with time and healing. I am not proud to admit the things that I've experienced recently. I do not regret, but I need to say things things, somewhere, and I feel like my journal should be reserved for things not of men and silly things. Because these feelings are definitely because of a boy. And a silly girl. That silly girl is me, and I get duped every time. First week of classes, of course I would meet a cute guy, who wants to study, then date. That would happen to me. And I would, of course, fall hook line and sinker. But of course, tragedy hits, and he cannot date me because he's going on a mission and would feel hypocritical. (I hope you're picking up on my dramatic tone, because its dripping right here) But of course, the guy kisses me anyway, because I'm just too hard to resist. But "it doesn't feel right. what a relief." And I walk home alone, trying not to cry, and trying to understand what is wrong with me that gets me rejected so quickly. And now he's on to the next one. But I've been trying to analyze myself and figure out how i felt so attached so quickly and what about this jerk draws me to him. And i realize that the similarity lies deep in my own deeply stored, beneath the earth kind of deep, past. In Will, of course. Its on this poor boys face, that smile I loved. And the same pattern personality that I'm drawn to, like a moth to a flame. My mother always did say one day i'd get burned. Well, apparently, even when I am over him, i'm not really moving past him. And that frustrates me. Because if I wanted to date my ex, I'd just call him. Maybe. Actually, I think he's married now... but yeah. I hate that I always fall for the guys that are destined to destroy me. I want to feel normal, and love someone who is different from all the other guys I've fallen for. Someone who loves me for me. Not because they think I'm beautiful. Which, i'm not saying that I am, but apparently I do appeal to a certain class of men. And i need to find someone of higher caliber. The problem is, what if I can't have that? Am I not worth their time? I think that might be where my true fears lie.