Christmas Time is Here!!!!

I regret to admit that i am a bit of a scrooge about Christmas; right up until about three weeks before the holiday. But right now? I love the christmas season!!! I'm enjoying the fact that i get to spend time with the people i care about, and to have family time. what i really need, though, is a good kick in the butt to start turning towards christ.

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(this is from a little while ago, and i was impressed that i had momentarily regained my power over words.)

A little demon lurks
within the dark spaces
of my vast thoughts and works.
In the dark she paces
waiting to devour
my vunerable mind;
overwhelming power
filled by darkness and grime.
Is there no cage,
in which i could trap her?
Is there no page,
On which i could slap her?
I long to be free
of this monstrous hate
but she invades all parts
of my dreams and plans,
and as i try
to tame the evil beast,
she pulls me down;
leaving me in defeat.
All alone i struggle
because when i look
for a helping hand
those i reach for
are already gone
thinking that they help
by lettting me fend away
the demons on my own.

Possible Ovary Names

okay, this is gonna be fun. :) my roommate rachel named her ovaries. and the more my cramps hurt the more i wish i had names for my ovaries just so i could be angry at something. so here are the names i've been finding:
Abundia-(latin) abundance
Florence-(latin) blooming, flowery
Garcia-(latin) she who demonstrates charm and grace(lol irony)
Eitri -(icelandic) venom
Ignacia-(latin) fiery, ardent
Lena - (latin) temptress
Messalina - (latin) she who has an insatiable appetite
i think i'm naming them garcia and messalina...

Watch the World Burn

I'm moving forward; thats a realization that i am okay with, right now. lol I'm moving past the past; burning bridges, so to speak. I've lost that once prized connection with the ones i felt closest to; and i let go of the silent, brooding girl i used to be. What i have now seems worthwhile; worth the sacrifice. When i took the trip back home, i saw that things werent going to stay the same for me to come home to, that things had to change there too. I have new close friends, new stories to tell, a new way of looking at things, and i'm good with that. Somehow, with everything new, i feel like i'm finding my old personality; the sparkle i thought i had long since lost. its a good feeling, and i'm happy. But i realize that i'm also a lot more alone. Like last night, when i got so sick because of food poisoning, i wanted so badly to have someone there to hold me and make me feel better; but i had no one. i refused to even tell my roommates that i wasnt okay. And i miss that. I miss having someone to kiss me when i'm sad, or who knows without question how i'm feeling by looking into my eyes. can all that time really have been a waste? a lie? what was the point of the investment?! (obviously i'm not totally resolved on this topic)

Foaming at the Mouth

I am seriously seething with emotions and thoughts. I feel angry, yet content. Happy, yet sad; rebellious, but patient. I feel like i'm full of so many unreasonable contradictions. I went back to colorado last week, seeking peace, or at least a break from reality, and during that trip, i realized i love my life the way it is. I like my job, i adore my roommates, i have good friends, and my heart is in the right place. I also realized that i'm seeking to hang on to the past. i wish for my man back, and for my friends not to change, for life back home to never change, but honestly? live should not be lived that way. i need to let go, in order to continue moving forward. lol but the irony of it all, is that the way i'm going with my life, was never something i planned on. i should be in new york, or planning my future with he-whose-name-i-can't-speak. i never dreamed i would be working and saving in utah, planning FHE lessons, and perfecting my cooking techniques. how did i get here?

Country Music

I have so many quirks, that really give you a peek into my real emotions. And i miss the one person who knew me well enough to see all the signs. Or, at least, I miss the guy i remember. Not the jerk he became. I miss having someone know when i was hurt by the kind of music i played, or how truly happy i was by the change of my eye color. No one else has ever bothered to get to know me, ME, so deeply. Not even my siblings, or parents, or best friends know me so well. And he just walked away. Why? Why did he walk away? What made him stop loving me? It doesnt really matter, i guess, because he's not coming back. But i do wonder if i'll ever find anyone who loves me that much ever again. Am i destined to be single forever? The country music is still playing. I can't bring myself to turn it off. Country music is what i play when i'm sad. Why does country music make me so sad?? these are all pretty rhetorical questions, because no one can answer them; not even me. On top of these flashbacks, i'm going stir-crazy. I gotta get out. I need to leave again; to travel; to start over again--everything new.

Realizations

The more I step back and look at my life, the more it seems I need to fix. Like, i'm selfish, and have a tendency to be self centered. And maybe, the fact that i'm actually noticing means that I'm on my way to correcting these problems, but no matter how hard i try, i still feel the way i do. Like, i have a tendency to push people away, because i'm afraid of them hurting me, or i have trouble accepting new people because i dont want them to be better than me. I dont want to be forgotten in their shadow. And that's really selfish. Its rude, and small minded, all the things i dislike in other people, and i'm finding them here in  my self. And i'm continually dissatisfied with my life. No matter how many blessings i've recieved, i always seem to want more I always find something to complain about. And thats not right either. I guess i just need to work on it.