One More Sleepless Night

Just add it to the list, I guess. Things have been crazy lately! So many adventurous things have happened to me. I'm not sure what to think at this point, and I'm nervous but excited to see how everything plays out. I have a good feeling about most of the things that are happening to me, but it still feels like i'm being bombarded all at once, so I'm still in the shock zone. Literally; eyes wide open, jaw agape, saying, "Whhhooooaaaaaaa..." So I just keep breathing and taking everything in, awestruck, and i'll let you all know when everything puts itself together in my life. but for now, I'm sleepless, no appetite, and kind of drifting in my dream state. Heck, i've been barely playing my music (i hear your gasps, people.). But we'll see. :)

Just a Heads Up

I started a second blog, for the record keeping of all my house-keeping related adventures. Its gonna be either really nerdy or absolutely hilarious, so you should follow it. http://sarahliciousapplegate.blogspot.com/. Its gonna be great, i promise. :)

And the World Spins Madly On

I took a week long trip back home and i guess i haven't really adjusted back to Provo life yet. I still miss my family (lots!) and i keep waking up with the sun but i'm staying up way too late because this is a college town after all and there is too many things for me to do at night. But as of the fact last weekend was the fourth of July weekend, i've been out and about enjoying summer and being very social. Work is harder now that the weather is heating up and there are too many other places i'd rather be. But i am where i need to be right now. I'm still worried about Grandpa, especially since i last called him on the phone. He says not to worry, but for me that's like telling water not to be wet. I can't help it. But the sunshine is beautiful, i love reading the new Kindle mom and dad got me for my birthday, and life is full of good people. :) Anyway, thats just my latest update. This is life and it just keeps going. :)

Power of Prayer.

Guys, i think you should be informed that Grandpa Larry's cancer is back. Keep him in your prayers. I am so scared. I love grandpa to pieces and he's always been a big influence in my life; so full of love and good memories. I want him around when i get all grown up, and do the grown up things like getting married, graduate college. we're too young to lose him too. And i know i'm gonna be praying about some other big things here coming up in my life. I'm trying to be brave through all the stress and pain, but all i want to do right now is break down and cry.

thinking aloud

so, i've moved apartments. and my new roommates are great to live with! they're always so sweet and neat and fun, but i dont feel the connection i did before. maybe its just me closing myself off again. but they're all in there talking about boys and their complications, and all i can think is: i can't relate. i'm not even trying here. my heart isn't ready, and in provo you dont get a lot of nic-mo's. or at least i don't. apparently i dont seem like the type. (lol i'm a type?!) but i'm young and i've got a lot of life left to live. i need to reach out and try to connect with people. i dont know why but i feel like that part of my brain is shut down right now. or has been for kind of a while. i have a hard time with small talk too. i am so sick of "where you from?" "what's your major" "what color is your toothbrush?". why can't anyone just be like, "you're cute. take me on a date." end of story. or "hi. my name is so-and-so. how's life?" fantastic is the boring ever present answer to that, btw. ahhh! provo, quit being a bubble and let me have a breath of fresh air, some normal people. please!!

................

there is so much i wanted to say, but i find myself unable to say what it is i am truly thinking.

Lizzy Maguire

Almost everyone born in the early 90's knows this show. Y'know, its the Disney Channel Original with Hilary Duff as a quirky pre-teen girl. And she has this little manifestation of herself that lives in her head and portrays her true thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, i feel like i have a Sarah-version of that and there are so many thoughts and actions i wish i would act on but my own inhibitions and formalities make me stop and say something polite or do the most public-approved thing. And i wish i wouldn't. I wish i could just SAY what i really think when people ask me a question. i wish i could be the confident, funny person that deep down is still inside me. Or when i feel like curling up and just crying, breaking down, just DO it. But i can't. Because, somewhere, hardwired into my brain, is the notion that i have to be the strongest, the smartest, and the wisest that i can be. So i dont act impulsively. I dont do anything that anyone would see as a fault, or a crack in my armor of steel.