Fruit to Life Ratios

You know the saying "Life is just a bowl of cherries"? And how its supposed to be like how "Life is just peachy!" For the longest time I could not understand why the good life is related to a bunch of fruit. What is so appealing about a bowl of cherries anyway?! Thinking about it (and also eating a bag of cold cherries...) I got it. It clicked! There is very few things I enjoy more than biting into some fresh, cold fruit. The way the juice bursts in your mouth, but the flesh is firm and sweet. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. It is one of the most refreshing, enjoyable feelings in the world. The best treat, I think. But then, I really got to thinking. Life really is a bowl of cherries. And not just in a life is really good way. Life is totally like the bowl of cherries. Because, overall its pretty good. Its a good thing. But when you are sitting there eating those cherries, you encounter some that are not so good. Some are so marred and gross looking, you don't want to touch them with a ten-foot pole. You either eat around them, until they are all that's left, or man-up and pick them out as you go. We have moments like that. Fears or experiences that are so awful we don't want to address them. And we can either face them as we go, and never have to deal with them again, or we can try to eat around them, but they always get in the way, staring us in the face until they are all we have left. Or there are some that used to be good. But over time, they become bitter and sour, and we realize they weren't as great as we thought they would be. Or ones that look perfect from the outside, but when you bite in, its a little bit rotten. But the majority? They are perfectly juicy, firm, and delicious. You savor each bite and long for more just like it. That's life. Mostly good, but with some bad spots, that we can either deal with, and enjoy the sweet parts, or let the bitter parts overwhelm our sweet parts.

Stories People Tell

I love books. :) I love how they weave so many intricate pieces together, and manage to tie them all up with a cute little bow. I know its dorky, but the one I'm reading now ties in Scotland (I seriously love those accents..), History, present day, love and genetics. And reminds me of Assassin's Creed. I'm in geek heaven. Maybe I should learn how to write a book? But I don't think I have a good enough idea to write a book on anything. Poetry, sure, but a full story? Probably not. Speaking of, I've been giving lots of thought to my future career, and I have no idea what I want to do. I know I've been pretty dedicated to neuroscience, and still love it, but I don't think I'm smart enough to do all the math and work it entails, or the interest to solidly work on research. I'm so easily bored. And how could I maintain a family? (even though this is all a long ways away) And i'm pretty good with languages, so thats been something for me to think about lately. Why? And for what purpose? I'm afraid I just don't know.

Zombie Emotions

I can't find a way to express what's going through my head without dredging up old things, long buried with time and healing. I am not proud to admit the things that I've experienced recently. I do not regret, but I need to say things things, somewhere, and I feel like my journal should be reserved for things not of men and silly things. Because these feelings are definitely because of a boy. And a silly girl. That silly girl is me, and I get duped every time. First week of classes, of course I would meet a cute guy, who wants to study, then date. That would happen to me. And I would, of course, fall hook line and sinker. But of course, tragedy hits, and he cannot date me because he's going on a mission and would feel hypocritical. (I hope you're picking up on my dramatic tone, because its dripping right here) But of course, the guy kisses me anyway, because I'm just too hard to resist. But "it doesn't feel right. what a relief." And I walk home alone, trying not to cry, and trying to understand what is wrong with me that gets me rejected so quickly. And now he's on to the next one. But I've been trying to analyze myself and figure out how i felt so attached so quickly and what about this jerk draws me to him. And i realize that the similarity lies deep in my own deeply stored, beneath the earth kind of deep, past. In Will, of course. Its on this poor boys face, that smile I loved. And the same pattern personality that I'm drawn to, like a moth to a flame. My mother always did say one day i'd get burned. Well, apparently, even when I am over him, i'm not really moving past him. And that frustrates me. Because if I wanted to date my ex, I'd just call him. Maybe. Actually, I think he's married now... but yeah. I hate that I always fall for the guys that are destined to destroy me. I want to feel normal, and love someone who is different from all the other guys I've fallen for. Someone who loves me for me. Not because they think I'm beautiful. Which, i'm not saying that I am, but apparently I do appeal to a certain class of men. And i need to find someone of higher caliber. The problem is, what if I can't have that? Am I not worth their time? I think that might be where my true fears lie.

In my own little corner of the world

College is so different! I mean, I know I was living on my own before, but my experience here in Idaho has already been radically different. I feel everything so deeply. I feel overwhelmed, but excited. Tired but eager. And I feel like my heart is all over the place. Lol.  I feel like everything is swirling around me, but I'm holding onto this little corner of myself. trying to hang onto who i am. I feel like I can't focus, there are so many people around, but i also feel so deeply alone. Like I'm by myself, in a crowded room. I'm drowning. almost. I miss people. The people I care about, that are all far away from me.

Quietly Slipping Away

I moved again! This time to Rexburg, ID. For school, this time. And honestly, this move may have actually been the hardest one yet. I miss my guys so badly; they were always there when I was feeling sad and alone. Technically, they still are, but its more like 5 hours away for comfort, versus the five seconds it took before. I am so grateful to have had them in my life. But now, I need to find myself in solitary, once again. I'm excited to be finally attending school, but i'm deathly afraid I won't find a job, or I won't be able to manage doing everything. And I feel so alone up here. I mean, there's daphne (woot!) and rachel snow (also, woot) but I feel like I haven't made a solid connection with anyone yet. I guess it just takes time. But I miss my friends. But I am so grateful for my dad. He's always been the greatest man in my life; always there when I need him. with a nice long lecture that is somehow comforting.

A Drop In the Ocean

I feel like many of the things I'm doing right now are just killing time. I am just waiting to be able to leave, to move up to Idaho(for school, obviously) and its now like, the things that I've been working so hard for mean nothing as of the fact they're about to end. And I feel bored. I don't see the point in trying so hard at work, because in a few weeks, it won't matter anymore. And I don't try to build more friendships here, or take the ones i have to a higher level, since I'll be gone in a matter of time. Everything has an expiration date. And I feel like its all going slightly rotten anyway. But I am excited for the prospects of moving away. I'm excited to take classes, and have a new job, live in a new place. I feel like the next era of my life is finally beginning, and its going to be amazing.

New Day, New Year, New Life

Everything is changing, and so far it seems for the better. I got my official promotion at Brick Oven. I am now joint manager with Brandon over the Delivery department in the Provo store. Once they've decided I'm settled enough, I'll take over completely. Also when they can actually afford to pay me. Yeah, thats exactly what they told me. But I like it so far. I like my day shifts, and I like making the schedule, and I like being da boss woman. I'm also waiting to hear back from my BYU applications; they should email me during the next few weeks. Let me tell ya, the anxiety is killing me!! I am praying like crazy to get in, and to find a way to afford it. But I really am excited, and I have a good feeling about this. Like, I'm doing the things that are right. Bekah is living up here in Provo with me; well, next door actually, but its good to have her here. Family is so very important. I miss Colorado though. The sun doesn't shine very much here in Provo; its always too cloudy. And its just cold. No snow, no real winter signs. Its just plain old cold. But hey, I have good friends, a good hot cocoa recipe, and a cozy little apartment. Therefore life is good. Oh! PS-- my roommate Cristina is having me be a bridesmaid in her wedding! I am one of two. Its quite flattering. :) But tonight we're starting tanning so that we can all be tan for her wedding....lol who'd have thought that i would ever fake bake? But tan I shall be. Love you all!

Wide Open Spaces

I feel like I'm dying, trapped here in my float-y bubble otherwise known as Provo. I need the big, open fields like the ones i grew up in; room to run when when i want to run; trees to climb, places to just sit and admire the beauty of this world. But instead, i look at these dreary buildings, all crammed together, and i know the open space is just far enough that i couldn't go on my own. I'm even sick of being next to the mountains. And I love mountains. But i just need open space. Prairie. I haven't picked up my camera since i moved here; because nothing moves me to beauty. The people here are truly amazing, however naive they may be, they are genuine, and seek to follow God. For the most part anyway. But i think if i hear another girl talk about how she wants to find a husband, or talk wedding ceremonies, i might just scream. I need deeper intellect and can"t stand all this waiting to start school. And partially its my own fault. And i know it. but my resources are limited and as my work hours are cut, there just aren't enough things to fill my time. I get stir-crazy, and i'm feeling the need to roam. I need a car, I think. So i can just drive. Just get the heck outta here. I dont feel like taking anyone with me. Don't get me wrong, there are so many friends here that i love and adore, and they are so willing to help with whatever i ask, but i feel like i need my space. so thats what this all boils down to: I need my wide open spaces. I need the open prairie where i can see for miles, where snow falls down unabashedly, and the sky is so blue and beautiful it makes me wanna cry.

Odd Predicaments

Boys can be extremely confusing; or so I am learning. I thought I already learned my lessons in this category but apparently nothing I've already suffered through with suffice. So you men out there reading this (not that there really are any that i know of) why are you so confusing? Why must I break the hearts of the ones that aren't for me, but have my own torn to shreds by the ones I adore? Why do I always make friends with girls who are much more beautiful than I am? I wonder if I actually get off on the jealousy. I stick around people for their benefit, not because I dont want to do things myself. I've had places to go and people to see for a while, but I opt to staying around the people who seem like they need me the most at the moment or around the people i want to get to know better. And I feel like people dont see me as a single identity; which I am, and I have. Its hard to be alone, I admit, I dont like feeling lonely, but I'm being driven to the point that I feel as though I might have to push everyone else away just to prove how strong I really am. But I don't want that to be the option. But essentially; right now; I'm frustrated. Maybe I'm  just being hormonal and need to take a step back and look at everything, but I feel like I'm getting mixed signals. Or there are definite moments where I feel totally awkward, because I feel like something else should be happening, but it isn't. Gahhh!!

One More Sleepless Night

Just add it to the list, I guess. Things have been crazy lately! So many adventurous things have happened to me. I'm not sure what to think at this point, and I'm nervous but excited to see how everything plays out. I have a good feeling about most of the things that are happening to me, but it still feels like i'm being bombarded all at once, so I'm still in the shock zone. Literally; eyes wide open, jaw agape, saying, "Whhhooooaaaaaaa..." So I just keep breathing and taking everything in, awestruck, and i'll let you all know when everything puts itself together in my life. but for now, I'm sleepless, no appetite, and kind of drifting in my dream state. Heck, i've been barely playing my music (i hear your gasps, people.). But we'll see. :)

Just a Heads Up

I started a second blog, for the record keeping of all my house-keeping related adventures. Its gonna be either really nerdy or absolutely hilarious, so you should follow it. http://sarahliciousapplegate.blogspot.com/. Its gonna be great, i promise. :)

And the World Spins Madly On

I took a week long trip back home and i guess i haven't really adjusted back to Provo life yet. I still miss my family (lots!) and i keep waking up with the sun but i'm staying up way too late because this is a college town after all and there is too many things for me to do at night. But as of the fact last weekend was the fourth of July weekend, i've been out and about enjoying summer and being very social. Work is harder now that the weather is heating up and there are too many other places i'd rather be. But i am where i need to be right now. I'm still worried about Grandpa, especially since i last called him on the phone. He says not to worry, but for me that's like telling water not to be wet. I can't help it. But the sunshine is beautiful, i love reading the new Kindle mom and dad got me for my birthday, and life is full of good people. :) Anyway, thats just my latest update. This is life and it just keeps going. :)

Power of Prayer.

Guys, i think you should be informed that Grandpa Larry's cancer is back. Keep him in your prayers. I am so scared. I love grandpa to pieces and he's always been a big influence in my life; so full of love and good memories. I want him around when i get all grown up, and do the grown up things like getting married, graduate college. we're too young to lose him too. And i know i'm gonna be praying about some other big things here coming up in my life. I'm trying to be brave through all the stress and pain, but all i want to do right now is break down and cry.

thinking aloud

so, i've moved apartments. and my new roommates are great to live with! they're always so sweet and neat and fun, but i dont feel the connection i did before. maybe its just me closing myself off again. but they're all in there talking about boys and their complications, and all i can think is: i can't relate. i'm not even trying here. my heart isn't ready, and in provo you dont get a lot of nic-mo's. or at least i don't. apparently i dont seem like the type. (lol i'm a type?!) but i'm young and i've got a lot of life left to live. i need to reach out and try to connect with people. i dont know why but i feel like that part of my brain is shut down right now. or has been for kind of a while. i have a hard time with small talk too. i am so sick of "where you from?" "what's your major" "what color is your toothbrush?". why can't anyone just be like, "you're cute. take me on a date." end of story. or "hi. my name is so-and-so. how's life?" fantastic is the boring ever present answer to that, btw. ahhh! provo, quit being a bubble and let me have a breath of fresh air, some normal people. please!!

................

there is so much i wanted to say, but i find myself unable to say what it is i am truly thinking.

Lizzy Maguire

Almost everyone born in the early 90's knows this show. Y'know, its the Disney Channel Original with Hilary Duff as a quirky pre-teen girl. And she has this little manifestation of herself that lives in her head and portrays her true thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, i feel like i have a Sarah-version of that and there are so many thoughts and actions i wish i would act on but my own inhibitions and formalities make me stop and say something polite or do the most public-approved thing. And i wish i wouldn't. I wish i could just SAY what i really think when people ask me a question. i wish i could be the confident, funny person that deep down is still inside me. Or when i feel like curling up and just crying, breaking down, just DO it. But i can't. Because, somewhere, hardwired into my brain, is the notion that i have to be the strongest, the smartest, and the wisest that i can be. So i dont act impulsively. I dont do anything that anyone would see as a fault, or a crack in my armor of steel.

Braaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnsssss......

Yes, i really did just say brains. Because I have come to the conclusion that brains are absolutely fascinating, therefore, i love them. I want to study them, and i have almost no doubts about it. Woohoo!! Talk about making life decisions. The only question now, is whether or not i want to research them, or put my knowledge to practical use and help people. When i took the really random trip to Idaho, i was going with my roommate, Rachel, to her grandparents' home, seeking a much-needed vacation from our crazy lives. And believe me, i needed it. My story, however, concerns what i did on vacation. Which was to, well, study/analyze brains. Really. Through neuro-feedback based on EEG signals emitted from the patient (rachel. haha)'s brain. And rachel's grandma was a psychologist and actually had a clinic in her home at one point, so she showed me how it works and explained the different brain waves (delta, theta, beta and high-beta) and how they affect our daily functions, either with behavior, memory-reticence, or just day-to-day life. And i have to admit, I was so excited!!! It just awes me how incredible our brains are. and i have a hard time not talking about them. so, obviously, this is what i should do with my life, right? Anyway, just thought i ought to share the funny, happy news.

Enough Is Enough.

Okay, family, here's the deal. I'm posting this blog specifically for you all. I want to make this perfectly clear: Enough! I love you all, and i know there have been a lot of misunderstandings, but did any of you consider how much this fighting is making me feel worse? That because of words i wrote and expressed in a time of panic and distress over my own life, seeking help from my family, and suddenly an argument erupts over words said to comfort me. It makes me feel bad, so yes, i deleted the post, and i want everyone to stop hurting each others feelings. i love you all, but right now? i'm not feeling the love. and that makes me even more afraid.

Awkward Turtle

...........Awkward.....thats how i'm feeling most of the time, in my own apartment. i switched rooms (by invitation, just to clarify) so that i could have a little more living space, and it seems now like my new roomie so does not want me in here. She cant sleep at night while i'm in here, she naps out on the couch, can't clean if i'm around and i'm starting to feel really uncomfortable. I didn't want to push her out at all! i try to give her all the space she needs but today....today i just want to hide out all day. and apparently that ruined her plans. :( i can barely go anywhere in my apartment, considering the lovebirds are usually making out in the kitchen/front room area, steph chills in our room, and rachel has the private room. oh, and cristina really wanted the old room to herself. so i'm thinking of moving out, again. but idk where i would go, and i DID just resign for the next semester in this apartment.

Angst

Have you ever watched those silly videos on YouTube called Potter Puppet Pals? I kinda feel like Harry in the Wizard Angst one. He's standing there, bashing his head against the way saying "angst, angst, angst..." and i kinda feel like that right about now. On the plus side, this means i'm feeling deeper emotions again. On the down side...i'm feeling really crappy emotions. Ones that are confusing, and terrifying, and altogether really stressful. And honestly? I wish there were a tactful way to just discuss the issues with the people i'm feeling these emotions because of. College? Pssh, i got that handled as well as i can right now. My job? Its going. All i have left to do is wait. But the people in my life? I can't exactly move them around (metaphorically) to arrange them in my life just how i would like them. They have to want it too. And i wanna just SAY something. But i want them to just say anything! Because i have no idea, no clue, no droplet of inclination as to what others think. But everyone says, "wait. let them say something first." What if i lose my chance? What if it's already out of reach? I don't know if I'm willing to put myself on the line all over again, after everything i've been through. I don't know if i could take that kind of emotional shattering all over again. But its those moments of cheer, of twitterpated anticipation that make everything worthwhile. And i couldn't live the rest of my life without little tastes of that kind of ecstasy. Because, i can't keep going on feeling nothing.